


Heavy Rain

by gravityplant



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: And loads of heavy rain... heh, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, M/M, References to Depression, Sharing a Bed, Strangers to Lovers, Writer Dan Howell, YouTuber Phil Lester, mention of food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-08 07:19:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17976857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: A tale about a maverick writer whose audience doesn't yet breathe outside of his mind;And a lost soul uploading stray youtube videos that don't seem to belong in this world.On the other hand, since when does lost-souls meet under heavy rain, and what does belong if not strange circumstances when two misfits dare to reach out and touch.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Updates:  
> I will update this every Friday from now on because all of the chapters are pre-written!
> 
>  
> 
> Special thanks:  
> Beta: phuzzyphan, I don't even know how to start thanking you for taking on this fic. You've been so kind and awesome to work with. You're truly an amazing beta and this fic wouldn't exist without you! So here's a massive thank you from me!
> 
> -
> 
> I won't hold you back any longer, please enjoy this fic!  
> It would make me so happy if you left a comment or kudos <3

He can taste it in the air. The dampness is ruining his hair, turning straight strands into coils. His eyes meet the sky, forcing themselves away from their stationary position on the ground. Big ungodly drops are tainting the streets, colouring them in sad dark colours. They ruin his clothes and his mood. They ruin everything that morning.

-

Earlier that day

Dan has a takeaway cup of coffee in his shaky hand. The other hand is holding a briefcase. He looks over the road past the flattened fringe covering his eyes. He has his goal in sight. They're waiting for him. 

Walking over the pedestrian crossing has never felt so impossible, so out of reach. He shakes his head, a look of disappointment filling his features like ink smudging over a paper, ruining something that could've been perfect.

Dan should go before he can think too much of it. So he doesn't have time to repent. The sky is so innocently blue as Dan swallows and steps over the white stripes that divide the two streets.

-

He soon finds himself sitting in the lobby, the floor under his feet carpeted and the plant next to him fresh and newly watered. Everything inside this place seems perfect, well taken care of. He can't really relate. It's like he's stepped out on an alien planet and the inhabitants can see how out of place he is. The receptionist, a young girl, leered at him from her position behind the desk. Maybe it was his clothes? Or the way he looked? Tired and worn out. Glasses at the tip of his nose because he didn't have the strength to correct them once more before they were back to the same state again. Or maybe she even envied him for it? She looked so clean-cut herself, like she'd walked out of a fashion magazine. Must be tiring to have to look that perfect all the time.

He looked down at the dirty derby-shoes he was wearing, he'd scavenged for them in the back of his wardrobe. At first, he thought that he might've lost them, but when he found them under his high school jacket, covered in a layer of dust, he'd triumphantly given them a smirk in return. 

Now, they weren't the most comfortable of shoes but he admits that they were kind of classy in a way. He could imagine teachers with round glasses own a pair of these, or maybe a librarian. Dan himself didn't really wear these type of shoes - he opted for something less classy if he even made it out of the door.

If you asked him, he wouldn't admit to being lonely. A life spent in a dirty apartment may sound sad to many, but Dan didn't see it that way. His place was filled with opportunities. As he could, for example, clean if he wanted to, he could step out onto the balcony and watch the traffic swarm by in the night like fireflies casting light upon the dark city roads. A glass of wine in his hands, and his mind his only company. It might be lonely, it might be sad but Dan was content... well mostly.

Dan looks up when the receptionist call his name. She studies him with a tired look "they welcome you know, good luck or something, you'll need it" he nods biting his lips when something in his stomach churns. Maybe this had been a bad idea?

The second Dan walks through the door seeing the group of people around the table he can feel his throat close up. If only his introverted self wasn't so, well... introverted. Gosh, this had been a bad idea, hadn't it? He should turn back immediately and run home to the safety under his blanket where he can forget ever having hopes and dreams.. But He should at least try, he's after all here to succeed so why not let yourself have a chance?

He clears his throat, walking towards the empty chair without looking up. He can feel their gazes burning his skin. He only hopes that he'll manage to please them. He has given this project everything, every little piece of his being. He only hopes it's enough. That he's enough, really.  
  
\- 

Phil's late again for the fourth time this week and Louise isn't happy. Her pink lipstick forms an unimpressed line on her face as he meets her gaze on the way through the door. He waves self-consciously as he walks up to where she's sat. She's already ordered, and Phil's head is back at its usual position, hung low in embarrassment. 

"Four times in a row, Philip Michael Lester! are you not prioritising our BFF time enough? Or might there be someone special you're not telling me about?" she says raising her eyebrows. 

"Oh, fuck off" he scoffs, and pulls out the chair beside her. She grins, "then what, did you give yourself some private time?" he shakes his head, glaring at her "if so, I wouldn't even be here now!" she only laughs and waves her hand dismissively. 

"I'm only joking Phil. Okay, serious now, what were you actually doing?" something in her voice tells him that she's not joking. Louise is too kind, or maybe she's afraid that he'll cower away if she's too harsh on him. Maybe she thinks that what she's already complaining about is enough, she's probably tired from trying to motivate him. 

Her eyes flicker over his face, taking in his messy quiff, he's wearing the washed-out t-shirt with his favourite show on that he (despite her complaints) has kept for years now. 

"I was actually just returning a book to the library, the return date was till today so I had to... and I kind of just remembered that 5 minutes before I was going to meet you... Louise, I'm so sorry, I'm the worst best friend ever!"

She downcasts her eyes, sighing "yeah, next time please come in time, there are other things I have to do too you know." Phil feels bad for making her wait for him yet again. But it's like every time they've decided they're gonna met up, Phil gets distracted. He wants to believe that it isn't his own fault for forgetting that "oh no, he has to return that book, or oops, he hasn't bought any groceries since last Monday and he's practically licking breadcrumbs of the floor," but he's starting to realise he's just a bad friend. 

Funnily enough, he always seems to remember the many things he has to do the days Louise has asked him to hang out. It isn't like he doesn't want to meet her. He loves her of course, no doubt. He just can't place a finger on why exactly this keeps on happening. 

The cafe is busy, and he's always as surprised when Louise magically seems to find a place to sit, no matter what. Phil suspects she's got some secret ability he's never heard of and frankly he's a bit jealous, even if he mostly doesn't actually go to cafes, being an introvert and all. He does enjoy drinking some coffee at home, though, instead of going out to buy it.

He nods slowly, signalling to Louise that he's heard what she's said and stands up, and as he's expected, she looks up with a curious expression "you gonna order?" she challenges with a smile. 

-

Phil twirls the spoon in his hand. Louise has already finished her pastry, and she's asking him when he's going to film and upload a video again. He's thinking this Friday, he's made it tradition spending the evenings alone in his empty apartment on Fridays, Louise has long ago given up trying to pry him into joining her at a nightclub. 

She wants him to meet people, he's rather opposed to that, he doesn't have a problem to just get his daily boost of socializing from replying to comments left by some of his followers. They aren't many, he'll admit. Not that strange really, his content is abnormal, to say the least. But he likes that and he figures as long as he's having fun making them, his followers will enjoy them too.

Sometimes he even films more private videos, where he pours out his heart and soul. Him, silhouetted against the burning sunset talking to a camera about what's right, what bothers him, so he won't ever forget where he stands. And sometimes he even tells the camera what makes him so sad all the time.. But he never uploads those types of videos, he's kept them private for the right time. When the world is ready for something that isn't faked. Something so fragile that it would break if he gave it away, the truth.

He tells Louise that he will film this weekend and she tells him she'll be away so he has to promise her to call. Maybe she's worried he'll stop talking completely, he has other friends too and she knows that, even if he doesn't call them so often. Sometimes he gets tired of her caring so much, it's frustrating, he's not a baby, he can take care of himself.

-

With damp fingers, Dan tries to fix his fringe, but the strands of hair just stick to his skin. He's more nervous than he's ever been, he thinks. All eyes are mostly on him as he rigidly nods or shakes his head at the questions thrown at him. At some point, they ask him to open the suitcase and so he does. 

He almost doesn't want to look, he's afraid that they're not there as he'd promised. But soon enough he can breathe out when they all lean forward like hungry beasts eager to get their hands on the papers. The woman that has been talking to Dan is the one to first reach out and pick up the fragile yellow notes. She leafs through them, eyes darting from left to right with a habit. It's silent in the room, and the rest of the people around the table seem to hold their breaths. Dan himself is sweating from anticipation but most of all for this to be over so he can go home again to his empty flat. He wants that type of quietness and not this tense one he's experiencing right now. 

She looks up, one corner of her mouth pulled up in a half smile, she's smirking at him he realises. But she still doesn't say anything. Oh god, Dan thinks, she considers his work a total disaster, almost laugh-worthy. He should've known this was a bad idea. 

She nods then to herself and bundles the papers together again by lightly tapping them against the surface of the glass table. When she clears her throat and everybody around the table including Dan jumps, she returns the papers to him. 

"Very well Dan, I think this might be what we're looking for."

-

Phil stands in the aisle of snacks, he's already thrown down two packs of popcorn in the basket and he wonders if three is overkill. But it's just him this weekend, and filming by yourself gets lonely, so he figured after Louise's little speech today that he'd have his own little party by himself. Just some wine and a bowl of popcorn.

He buys a packet of party poppers too, he might as well go full on sad, single-handed party if Louise isn't joining him or dragging him out of his home. He smiles a little as he makes his way to the cash register. Weirdly enough, there's not a single person queueing so he can just walk straight up to the check-out. 

He laughs, embarrassed when the young cashier asks him if it's his birthday, Phil awkwardly nods like the antisocial nerd he is, he's really hoping that the cashier won't ask him any further questions. Lucky for him, the young man smiles so that his eyes crinkle "well happy birthday then, birthday boy" Phil mumbles a 'thanks' as he in a hurry stumbles towards the exit. 

But before he has time to escape, he hears the man call after him "hey, birthday boy wait!" he turns around, flustered and with a forced smile on his lips ("yeah?"). The boy holds up an object in his hands, a blue wallet that looks very familiar. 

"Oh," he smiles sheepishly "my wallet". The guy smiles, curls falling in front of his eyes "lucky I saw it before you left.” Phil accepts it from the man's hand and thanks him, he lets the wallet glide down into the back pocket of his jeans. "thank you" the man echoes and Phil gives him a smile.

When he steps out of the grocery store the rain surprises him. He looks up and meets the sky with open arms. He sticks out his tongue tasting the salty raindrops. He loves rain, it transforms the world into one of beauty, where the water on the ground reflects the city lights. How the drops caress his checks almost cleanse him of his darker thoughts.

Phil relishes the rain.

-

Dan hates the rain. 

He hates it with every fibre of his being. The moment he stepped out of the building and the first drops hit the concrete, dripping down his neck, he felt sullen. Soon enough it escalated to heavy rain, creating a fog hanging around his ankles like a bad omen. Through raincoated lashes it was practically impossible to see anything. 

Dan stumbles, on something, he doesn't know what but suddenly he can feel how his shirt is pasted to his chest, soaking wet. His cheek kisses the concrete and slowly he looks up. His suitcase has been knocked open in his fall and the papers, his precious papers have one after one gotten carried away in the wind. Dan jumps up in an instant chasing after them even though he knows it's too late, the rain must've ruined every single paper of his book. He tries to grasp one of the papers that have landed in front of his feet. As soon as he tries to pick it up it crumbles into paper-mache. He can feel tears burning behind his eyes and he swallows.

He tries to pick it up again anyway even though he knows it's no use, he scrapes up the pieces of the paper until it's just a ball of nothing. All his hard work... gone. He sits there for a long time until his clothes know no more than wetness and his brain is a mush of thoughts. Oh god, what is he supposed to do now?

-

Phil is grasping the grocery bag tighter in his hand as he's half sprinting through the rain. He can't see much he admits and it's getting a little bit cold, but he still enjoys it. It's a strange feeling, but on the other hand, Phil figures he's always been a weird one.

He's so caught up in his own mind that when he trips over a person sitting on the pavement he only just manages to catch himself with his hands. A man with curled hair and hands covering his face looks up at him through cold fingers. He's shivering where he's sitting and Phil feels a stab of sympathy for the soaking wet man. He crouches down beside the man.

"I'm so sorry for stomping on you, um, what's your name?" Phil bites his lips, eyebrows furrowed under the deformed quiff. The rain really has taken its toll on his poor hair. The man just shakes his head his hands coming down to touch the ground on either side of him, palms facing the gloomy sky.

Phil goes to try and help the man to stand "do you live nearby? I can help you get there?" Is he just now willingly letting his popcorn wait for a stranger? Apparently so as the stranger shakes his head "oh no I actually... took the train over here." 

Phil sees the man's face for the first time when he looks up and meets Phil's face. He's got a cute button nose and small drops of water cling to long brown lashes, for a few seconds Phil just stares dumbly "Um okay, I'm guessing they've cancelled the train because of the massive amount of water pouring down from the sky in this exact moment." Phil feels really bad for him "sorry" he said awkwardly, his hands finding his pocket, it's a stupid nervous reflex really.

The man's eyes downcast his arms crossing defensively "oh, do you maybe know where the nearest hotel is located, I literally don't know my way around.. um sorry to bother you with all of this, really it's me being stupid for sitting here in the rain like a crybaby" he laughs but it seems forced and the only thing Phil can think about is the last words that left the stranger’s lips. 

"Oh no, were you crying?" Phil asks worriedly he steps forward a little, placing a hand on the stranger's shoulder. The stranger freezes when his hand touches him, the previously forced smile falters. He looks into Phil's eyes for the first time, he's searching for something, Phil thinks. He stubbornly looks back into those brown ones. 

Phil doesn't long for the safety of his home anymore, he's intrigued, immensely interested by this stranger in front of him. The stranger's eyes look unsure before they flee from his gaze. Phil has forgotten about the bag dangling around his wrist, forgotten all about people named Louise and his duties to please them, he only has eyes for the man who now takes a step backwards.

"This... this will sound really weird, okay, but hear me out?" The man nods, confusion evident in his features, he's still shaking and Phil worries that the stranger might catch a cold. There's a weird and unfamiliar feeling circulating in his stomach, it's uncharacteristic for him to worry so much for someone, even less a stranger. Really, he should just abandon this stranger now and recover in his apartment for the rest of eternity.

"You can sleep on my couch until the next train arrives tomorrow?" He can't believe he just said that. And neither can the stranger apparently as he's gaping at Phil, eyebrows furrowed in confusion "you're asking me to sleep on your couch? I'm just a stranger! I could be... I don't know some crazy, psycho murderer" he exclaims as if Phil's insane and maybe he is. Because surely no one would do what he's just done. "um yeah?" he says doubt in his voice, he gives the man a nervous, asquint smile.

"Well, it's not like you've given me any road directions so I guess I can sleep on your couch then" he shrugs his shoulders. A smile is slowly spreading on Phil's lips "fancy some popcorns when we're there? I think I kind of bought too many.”  
  
The stranger raises one eyebrow, phil’s pretty sure he can distinguish a hint of a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “On Saturday night the storm is predicted to arrive, shaking the heart of London. All Londoners are encouraged to stay inside from at least Tuesday.” Phil reads before turning the phone screen to Dan so that he can read. “That’s in five days” Dan whispers, with a frown present on his features.
> 
> -
> 
> From: Louise  
> Sent: 23:03  
> Phil? where are you I'm super worried please at least tell me you're okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Phuzzyphan on tumblr

Phil closes the door with haste, he's lost feeling in his fingers that are settled around the handle. As he turns around he sees the man stand there awkwardly in the hallway dripping water onto his colourful carpet. Phil can't help but think that it looks sad. The man doesn't want his pity, he understands that much, but Phil can't help but feel sorry for him.

He's shivering and his face is one devoid of emotions, he doesn't praise Phil for saving him from out of the cold - neither does he say anything at all, for that matter. Phil doesn't know if he should be satisfied or irrationally irritated for the lack of thankfulness from the young man.

Phil clears his throat and steps out of his shoes, sweeping off and hanging up the coat hanging around his shoulders. He'll place an old newspaper under it later, for now, he needs to get that poor stranger into the shower or he's going to get sick.

"Um..." he starts not really knowing what to say "what's your name?" The stranger doesn't meet his eyes, but replies "Dan" and then there's nothing more to that. "Well, I'm Phil, welcome to my simple home I guess," he mumbles but he's certain the stranger catches it because he swears that he for a second can see two brown eyes meet his under the messy curls. "You should step into the shower, I'll lend you some of my clothes, but there's no way I'm letting you stay in those damp ones.

And for once, Phil's satisfied with himself actually trying to make sure someone is okay. Maybe he'll gain another friend, even though this one seems like the quiet type. 

-

It's weird, Dan thinks, how a person can lose everything in one day. The pages to his book all gone with the wind, destroyed by the hefty weather. He's spent so much time typing out each word on his old typewriter. For a long time, he only lived inside his own story, breathing it like oxygen keeping him alive.

What is he going to do? He's promised them that he'd do the last finishing touches on the story then they would publish the book for him. The story had been a good one, one that had taken place in his dreams at first. Filled with all sorts of magical creatures and intriguing characters. He'd fallen in love with each and every one of them and the world they lived in so much that he didn't feel like the outside one offered him so much anymore. He was happy just sitting at his home typing out row after row of text.

Should he just write an entirely new one and forget everything about the world he has built up? Or just rewrite... everything? The publishers had wanted a complete one from him and as long as it was a book they had in their hand when he returned, they'd be happy. The question was, though, if he'd even manage to get one done. He feels drained of all creativity, like someone has pulled out the plug to his bathtub of ideas.

Inside the stranger's shower he picks up the bottle of shampoo. An odd intuition tells him to sniff it, and a fruity smell takes him by surprise. He'd never guess the stranger used that fragrance, for some reason he thought the scent would be fresher, like dew on grass after a downfall or like freshly pressed lemons. Maybe it’s because the stranger is so full of life, so energetic? But Dan had to admit that he kind of liked the fruity smell that Phil owned better. Something about it reminded him of his family home, which is weird come to think of as Dan can't remember ever smelling a scent like this one there.

He pours out a little and rubs it against his scalp. Soon he'll be home again, he thinks, safe and sound within the walls of his favourite place of all time. He'll have to focus all his strength on writing that book. It's the only talent he's got and he'd promised his mum he'd use it. So really he's just here to make her proud... well, not just that, he's doing it for himself as well.

Otherwise, he'd probably not manage the endless nights he's sat in front of the typewriter slowly pressing down one finger at the time, or the mornings where his fingers fly over the keyboard and he has the taste of coffee on his tongue.

And without Phil, the nervous but kind stranger, maybe he'd still be sitting in the rain among ruined papers. He doesn't really get why someone would be so kind. He could've just hurried onwards without devoting a thought or an apology for the man sitting on the pavement. But something tells him that this stranger is different, different to many people he's encountered.

-

Most of the time Dan doesn't watch movies, but he likes to read books. It's something about him having control over the pace. If he watches a movie it will only last a short time. He wants to stay in that universe for longer. Dream about it and be able to appreciate the beauty in it. He says this to Phil, trying to fill the awkward silence as the man goes to get more popcorn. To his dissatisfaction Phil doesn't agree, he's probably a film fanatic, Dan thinks, as Phil shows him a small part of his "apparently" big collection of DVDs. 

As they continue talking about it Phil shamefully admits that he's a hoarder. Dan could see why - he's got stuff everywhere, small decorations, loads of furniture and a collection of pots of plants, though they're a bit crispy - and maybe that says something about Phil - but still. He wonders how old some of the stuff Phil owns is, Dan himself doesn't have so many knick-knacks at home; Does he even need them when he practically lives in his stories?

"Um, Phil?" he asks tentatively glancing over at Phil at the other end of the sofa. The man looks up from the bowl of popcorn that he's just plunged his hand into, he's very messy eater Dan notes, and it's oddly captivating.

The messy quiff reflects the lights of the tv. For a moment he understands why Phil lives here and why his house looks like this. He just simply fits in in all this mess. Dan shakes his head, smiling to himself.

"Yeah?" Phil says eyes, meeting Dan's. "Do you maybe think that I could get a glass of water, perhaps you could show me where they are?" Phil nods slowly and goes to stand up. He gestures for Dan to follow with greasy fingers. 

Dan goes to stand up, but he's still shivering as Phil lends him a glass to fill with water. "Are you still freezing?" he asks worriedly and Dan can't help but laugh a little under his breath. This man is too kind and caring, what has he done to deserve all this? To Dan, it had seemed that things were going downhill after his little success at the publishers but apparently, it looks like he's managed to stay afloat for now at least. Hopefully, the rain won't drown all his hopes. 

"No, I'm fine, really er... Phil, thank you" Phil still looks sceptical as he goes to fill a glass of water for himself. "But you're still shivering," he states. Maybe Dan does but it doesn't really bother him anymore. "So are you" he counters. Phil shrugs his shoulder avoiding Dan's gaze as he throws out the water he's just filled up to the brim of the glass. 

"I have one blanket, I'll go get it for you," he says disappearing before Dan has time to beg to differ. It's strange, Dan decides, how his life has just been flooded with events he's had no control over. He doesn't like it, not at all. He wants to hate this stranger who's been nothing but kind towards him. 

Why, he doesn't know, the stranger has nothing to do with his misery - contrariwise he's actually saved Dan some time and money searching for a hotel in the rain. 

Sometimes he doesn't understand himself, it's like parts of him he doesn't yet know hides between pages of the books he's prone to write. The thing is Dan does never plan and he's no clue what the future has in store for him nor his books.

Phil's back with a thick blanket bundled up in a tight grip. His pale face is rested on the soft material and nods to Dan. He looks oddly cute and Dan notices that he's changed clothes, he's wearing what looks like very comfortable pyjamas. Dan sets down the glass of water on the bench and Phil nods to him before forming the blanket in this hands to a ball and throwing it to Dan.

The thing is Dan, doesn't need the blanket, he does freeze but accepting this from the stranger feels like too much. Phil needs to stop being so kind to him. Dan needs distance, sometimes the real world grows too intimate for him and he starts worrying about his future and the lack of people around him that cares about him. Maybe he hopes that if he hides in his stories the real world won't force him to wake up. 

Dan grabs the blanket in a firm grip, shaking his head. "You should have it though," he says, about to throw it back when Phil holds up his open palm towards him in a stopping gesture.

 

-

They sit as far apart under the blanket as possible. There are accidental touches of Phil's socketed foot against his thigh and every time that happens they both jump and meet each other's eyes apologizingly.

Phil refused to accept the blanket, no matter how convincing Dan thought he was. Phil just shook his head with a hint of a smile present on his lips. He'll admit this is not what he imagined when Phil asked him if he wanted to take the couch in the first place but it's not too bad, he even got some company in the bargain.

For some weird reason, Dan is actually able to connect to this movie in a way he's never been able to do before. Maybe he's never allowed himself to really watch a film as just a movie before and not a book adaptation. He's never let it be its own version, always comparing. Maybe he realises that it's quite tiring having to compare and judge everything all the time.

-

The credits are finally rolling by the time Phil's eyes start to droop. He's kind of thankful actually, he fears that he would fall asleep on the couch if he waited any longer. He looks over at Dan whose eyes are closed, maybe he's just thinking. Phil whispers his name scrutinizing his face for any sort of reaction. When Dan doesn't answer Phil can't help but smile a little. The man must've fallen asleep.

Phil can't help but feel like having someone in his house, even if it's someone he doesn't know, is calming. Which is weird because Phil's never liked having people come over to him.

Partly, it's because not many know of his little YouTube hobby besides Louise. The channel is such a big part of his identity and maybe that’s why it’s so hard for him to trust people. If they don’t know about it they don’t truly know him. He has a few friends but they never meet at his home or at all really... Phil is scared to share this part of himself, scared that they’ll disapprove of it. Or he’s just a coward and doesn’t really want to open up about it, it makes him uncomfortable when people ask. Could it be because he likes being alone? At least that's what he's been telling himself.

Phil's family visited one time, just when he moved in, but ever since they haven't been here. It's mostly Phil and his brother Martyn who are visiting their parents at holidays. He always feels this pressure and obligation to meet them before it is too late.

He doesn't want to think like that but he can't help it. Sometimes he wishes that they'd make the effort to come to visit him but then he remembers that he prefers to be alone.

Phil stands up carefully, unraveling himself from the thick blanket. He stands for a moment watching over Dan, he can't just leave him there, he's going to have a terrible back and neck pain when he wakes up. Maybe Phil can help him a little. 

He gingerly lifts Dan's head supporting it with his hand as he places a pillow underneath for Dan to rest on. Then he takes the blanket and airs it, watching it flow up effortlessly through the air and stretch out before landing softly atop Dan. Phil then silently tucks Dan in before he walks over to the light switch.

For a moment he's reminded of the first time Louise slept over and he turned the lights off before walking to his bedroom. But Dan is actually sleeping and Louise wasn't, her bright blue eyes watched him and as he left she gave him a goodnight in form of a soft whisper.

As Phil turns off the light and walks into his bedroom without looking back, he feels odd, thinking that he will never see this stranger again after tomorrow. For some reason he doesn’t want Dan to leave so soon... 

Well under the duvet, he closes his eyes. The rain is still violently pattering against his roof as he falls asleep.

-

Phil tells him it's the least he can do. Dan doesn't agree, he's already shown way too much hospitality and following Dan to the train station is taking it a step too far. He’ll never be able to return all this politeness. The sooner he gets out of Phil’s way the better, he feels like enough of a bother already. 

The atmosphere feels like it’s swallowing them both. All around the rain manufactures an impenetrably thick fog. The globules fall heavy and feel like small shards - when coming in contact with bare skin - falling from the open sky as if someone had broken a mirror, bringing them seven years of bad luck.

Dan is walking ahead and just a few steps behind Phil walks at a brisk pace, holding an umbrella. Phil's hue looks almost green and his worried eyes keep Dan as his focal point. He brings up his sweater paws around the umbrellas handle. His walk is expeditious, trying to keep up with Dan. 

Dan doesn't have time to wait for Phil to catch up, so the rain falls into his hair and trails down his skin but today he doesn't care - he's got much more important things to do, catch the train back home, for example. He needs to be back already, he’s wasted so much time, time he could’ve used writing. He already feels uncomfortable being away from his home.

"Dan" Phil starts as they step inside the station and Phil folds the umbrella and puts it away in his backpack. Dan stops and turns around one eyebrow raised interrogatorily. "Yeah?" he sighs, temperament not the best right now. It's still early and for a fleeting second before he opened his eyes when he awoke he thought he was home. He wasn't, and to top it off he had terrible back pain.

"Do you know where you book a ticket?" Phil asks as he picks at his fingernails. He realises that he doesn't either, but should he just pretend that he does so that Phil can be on his merry way home already and leave Dan alone? He needs some privacy desperately.

After thinking it through, he shrugs in defeat muttering a "no". Phil lights up a little at Dan's answer and takes a few steps inwards. His colourful sneakers clicking against the marble floor of the station. Dan sighs, slowly walking after Phil. He rolls his shoulder and groans when a muffled cracking sound is heard. 

Phil hasn't noticed that Dan is taking his time and is way ahead. For some stupid reason Dan can't help but smile a little seeing Phil's backpack. He remembers loving those cartoon characters on the bag as a kid, and deep down he still does even though he won't admit it. Maybe that's where his own creativity originates from, sitting in front of a TV absorbing every episode, hungry for content. 

He does like to think that it does. Sadly, he wasn't the outdoor freak kind of type with ten different types of running shoes. Okay maybe that was an exaggeration, but still! If sporty people could mock him for his lifestyle then sure as hell he'd make fun of theirs.

Ha, speaking of, it was some time since he’d actually seen his friends. He used to call them so often, he remembers. Joan was one of them, he was his sports freak friend that occasionally actually managed to get Dan to run with him. And while being indoors was nicer, Dan couldn't lie to himself. He loved running, feeling the air brushing his curly hair backwards. The soft rustle of the trees and the green all around dissolving into indecipherable blobs of colour as you whiz by carried by your own legs.

Dan doesn't remember how they met, but he wishes he did. That’d be something more to remember. Most of his memories with that particular friend are of the forest standing tall all around them. But it never felt like it was them against the world. Dan had felt indescribably lonely even though he wasn't alone, and that scared him more than actually being alone.

They stopped in front of a ticket machine. Phil gestured for Dan to step forth and check for today's train. As he searched Phil played with the phone in his hand. Something within Dan almost wanted to strike up conversation - maybe it was because Phil looked so lonely standing there on the side of the machine. 

The more he searches for a ticket the more frustrated he becomes. "Maybe this one is broken" he mutters for himself, and Phil looks up, blue eyes studying him. Dan pushes up his glasses and looks around. He sees a lady that seems to work here - she has a name tag pinned to her suit and she looks up through a way too long ginger fringe as he approaches.

"Excuse me ma'am do you happen to know if there are any trains departing today?" She smiles at him before answering, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her grey skirt. 

"I'm sorry, young man, but there doesn't seem to be any more departing for two weeks, the weather is way too unstable for them to risk the travellers' lives.” 

"Oh" he breathes, a hollow feeling spreading through him. His limbs suddenly feel heavy and his head spins with the attempt of making out anything of what she says next. The sheer disbelief that he has for his own misfortune has struck him again, just when he'd finally worked up the courage to believe that bad things happen time to time no matter who you are. But now, he thinks, this must be karma for what he has done.

The kind eyes of the lady look worriedly at him, she places a hand on his shoulder and he winces, coming back to reality. "I'm so sorry, had you booked a ticket beforehand? You can still get your money back, and there are brochures in the info booth about the nearest hotels." From behind Phil comes up, he smiles towards the lady, pink has dusted his cheeks Dan assumes it's from being outside in the rain and shamefully he recalls Phil trying to keep up with him.

"Don't worry ma’am" Phil assures "he's sleeping over at mine." A smile possesses her rosy cheeks and she nods "Oh, that's good to hear, I'm always worried about our tourists when this type of weather strikes. It's not called London for nothing right?" Phil shrugs gesturing with his head to Dan that he wants them to go. "Thank you so much for the help anyway," he mumbles.

-

Phil's phone is filled with messages and unanswered calls left by Louise. The guilt is curling in his stomach when he remembers that he was supposed to call her yesterday. He's not exactly tempted to call her up, to hear her angry voice ring in his ears. While he scrolls through the messages one after one he holds his breath.

From: Louise  
Sent: 19:47  
Hey, Philly call me as soon as possible I've got loads to tell you about!  
\- Love Louise

From: Louise  
Sent: 20:34  
Forgotten something? Please call me Phil, I'm missing my best friend

From: Louise  
Sent: 21:55  
PHIL LESTER, if your phone is out of battery again I'm going to kill you! Just because I went away a bit earlier than planned doesn’t mean you can just ignore me, I’m still coming back either wednesday or tuesday next week so be prepared. (apparently the company I’m traveling with has some travel issues so I’m going to be back in town later than planned.)

From: Louise  
Sent: 23:03  
Phil? where are you I'm super worried please at least tell me you're okay?

For now, he lets himself ignore it, sliding his phone down into his back pocket. He just can’t answer her yet. Something wild tickles in his stomach and for the first time in a very long time he feels rebellious. He thinks he needs some time from Louise, time to figure himself out and what might be better than doing that with someone who doesn’t know him, won’t judge him? Dan's eyes met his as he looked up. They seem to ask him "what next?” Phil knows exactly the answer to that question.

-

 

Dan sighs, his eyelids feel heavy. He places the small notebook - he bought it before they entered the cafe - on the round table. Phil looks away from his phone, meeting Dan's eyes with a raised eyebrow. Dan doesn't say anything he just stares at the lines on the slightly yellow looking paper. He figured all the ideas would come rushing back the instant the tips of his fingers came in contact with the paper. But there's nothing, just the dull sound of rain spattering on the roof of the confectionary. Phil reaches out a hand placing it on top of Dan's. His eyes are sad, mouth open in a condolatory expression at something he’s seen on his phone. 

"It seems that you're stuck with me until next Wednesday. I'm so sorry, Dan but there's a storm coming, the weather forecast has predicted the amount of water to be up to the average person’s knee-hight, there will be no trains leaving or arriving at the city for maybe two weeks onwards." Aghast, Dan withdraw his hand from under Phil's, and his eyes widened.

“On Saturday night the storm is predicted to arrive, shaking the heart of London. All Londoners are encouraged to stay inside from at least Tuesday.” Phil reads before turning the phone screen to Dan so that he can read. “That’s in five days” Dan whispers, with a frown present on his features.

"The roads will be flooded? But how on earth am I going to get home and finish my book then?" he exclaims hiding his face in his hands. God, what is he going to do now? There's no way he's going to be finished with the book if he never actually starts writing on it. He hopes he'll remember the storyline at all, some of the details are already slipping from his mind joining the paper-mache left on the concrete.

"Your book?" Phil asks, clearly confused. Dan just shakes his head, he doesn't know what to say or tell Phil. He had written a book but now it's gone.

He looks out of the window. Grey, everything is grey but somewhere in all that grey, the light from the sun shines through mixing in a white-blue hue. Dan thinks he maybe could capture the moment and include it in the story. He scrambles after the note block starts scribbling something down. Phil watches him with interest. He hasn't said anything more and maybe he isn't expecting an answer anymore, either way, he won't get one, not yet.

Dan's eyebrows are furrowed as he completely closes out the outside world. It's just him and that grey, grey sky speaking to him. He can see it before him how it majestically tower before him. It's swallowing him in its hate, tears falling down and once again his hair is curly, papers are flying around in the wind. 

His pen stops moving. 

Dan stares at the yellow paper. But all the inspiration is gone. Frustrated he looks up. Phil is watching him, a small smile is present on his face. There's something about him that makes Dan stop and just look at him. He can't really put a finger on what. 

He can only guess it's that thoughtful look, how his eyebrows are always lowered creating that worried kind of sad looking expression. Dan decides that he doesn't like it at all. He doesn't think it fits the stranger. He'd actually want to see him smile, and not just a little, a full-blown with teeth and all, he bets that it would look just right on Phil.

"Strike of inspiration?" Phil mumbles. Dan nods tentatively brushing the surface of the note block. A second later he closes it and meets Phil's eyes. 

"Something like that" he mutters picking up the cup of hot chocolate. He sips on it a little and closes his eyes. God, it was a long time since he had it last, coffee just isn't the same - it never manages to make him feel so cosy and at home.

"I write sometimes" he avouches, swallowing nervously, clicking his fingernails against the ceramic of the cup. "Enough so that it can be rated as a whole book?" Phil smirks for a second before Dan answers. "Probably more, if you count all the useless little notes I make, like this one," he says gesturing towards the notebook. 

Phil nods his head, not knowing how to continue the conversation. Instead, he says something else. "My best friend and I always come here." He doesn't really know why he says it. Maybe to prove that he's cooler than Dan must think he is. To him, he's just some nerdy stranger who’s so lonely he brought in a stranger off the street just for some company.

"It's a nice place," Dan acknowledges, looking around. The howling wind outside disagrees, making the building creak ever so quietly in the midst of the background noise. 

Dan finds it calming, it feels like it rages for him and for all that’s so unfair in his life. He doesn't want to think about the future; The disappointment that's bound to be laced in the air of the hospital. When he visits again he hopes it isn't going to be too late.

Dan winces at Phil's quiet soft voice, that is almost being drowned in the noise all around them "What do you write about?" To his own mixed disappointment and relief he doesn't answer. When he tries there's a restraint in his chest, pushing the air out of his lungs. His voice cracks, sounding thin "I...". 

He shrugs hoping that Phil will accept it and not demand a real answer. Phil doesn't say anything - he just watches Dan from behind his big cup. It hides his face, only two big, blue eyes look back at him. He can't help but try again, just to make those eyes understand.

"I... write about my observations, when I see something pretty I compose about it, I wrote stories based on my dream, I almost wrote a whole book." There it was - he almost said too much before he could stop himself. 

But it was as if Phil had some magic ability that made Dan's mouth run like a tap - dripping so many precious words - before he was quick enough to regain his conscious and turn it off. 

Phil doesn’t say anything more - he just nods. Maybe he’s sensing that Dan doesn’t want to talk about it. 

Or maybe Phil's just a good listener, he thinks. A voice inside him tells him that the kind-quiet people are the most dangerous ones. Because they have so many emotions they keep inside. But maybe he's just a hypocrite, the criteria might as well fit him just as perfectly.

-

They're on their way back to Phil's when Dan's stomach rumbles. Phil raises his eyebrows a cute askant smile that Dan thinks he's gotten to know a little better after spending a day with Phil. He hasn't said much, Dan admits but maybe he isn't the talker.

Or maybe he's trying to warm up to the idea of what is almost considered living with a stranger for a week as much as Dan is. He's a bit interested in Phil, what he does and how he is when you really get to know him. Dan's sure he'd be a good friend if he ever dares to open up to him.

Phil points over at the other side of the street, over the crosswalk to a pizza restaurant. A fragrance of pizza is already laying thick in the air and Dan thinks it's what might've caused his stomach to go haywire. He's suddenly reminded that the both of them had forgotten to eat something yesterday. And as he suspects he hears Phil's stomach rumble too - he must be just as ravenous as Dan himself.

They look at one another, smiling ludicrously at each others wide grins before walking with fast steps towards the small restaurant.

While they walk Dan can't help but think that Phil is like a book Dan's never read. As clique that might be coming from him; Phil is still something new and interesting. Dan just wants to dip his nose into the pages. He guesses he just wants to know. That curiosity within him is so human it makes him calm in a way he can't explain. It feels like he genuinely exists in this world, Other times he feels so thin and hollow, like a ghost. 

But the feeling of belonging is like being a chess piece in a game, it's inexplicably comforting. Knowing he belongs in his own little way. 

Dan is also scared of Phil, though he can't explain it. It's like an internal toxin is going off within him, spreading through his veins like molten lava and completely numbing him. Phil is new, Phil is a stranger and new is different and scary. He doesn't want to be close, yet he finds himself also wanting to inch closer, inspect Phil like he's some sort of rare item. 

He doesn't know why that sick thought has popped up in his mind, but it disgusts him. He can't objectify this stranger like he's something that belongs to Dan, something he can use, leaf through like an open book without asking for permission. 

But that not true, he tries to tell himself, he's not objectifying - he's actually intrigued by the human Phil, composed of blood and flesh and brains, simply said the cover. He doesn't know much about the rest of him yet but he'd like to. 

But he's still scared, and fear does stupid things to people, even the most kind-hearted ones.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan closes his eyes, breathing in the heavy smell of carbs and cheese. He's so hungry that he could practically eat a plate right now. Dan takes off his glasses and wipes off the small water droplets that have gathered on the fogged-up glass.

Phil has already stepped up to the counter, wallet in his hands. On his lips a soft smile is present. As he opens the wallet something falls out of it. A single note flutters down to the floor. He kneels down and picks it up. 

Against his cold hand, the note shines white, slightly corrugated from being inside of his wallet. There's a number written on it and under that something else is scribbled offhandedly. "Hi birthday boy, I wasn't brave enough to ask you out face to face but if you want to go on a date with me don't hesitate to call".

Phil can't help but smile, he's never had someone give him their number, with haste he puts the note down the back pocket of his jeans for later. Never had he thought that the cashier would want to take him out, the thought that someone would at all, kind of both feels thrilling and terrifies him. Phil thinks that it would be nice to let himself try and go on a date with someone. Maybe he's a bit lonely sometimes, he admits reluctantly.

Martyn, Phil's brother, has always had his girlfriend and his mom and dad have always been together but Phil; He's always been alone, and for the longest of time he thought that it was supposed to be like that but now he has the chance to change that.

He smiles towards the man behind the desk, it's all because of the note. Something in his stomach is fluttering excitedly at the prospect of new opportunities. He orders his pizza and asks specifically for them to minimize the amount of cheese.

Dan leans over a table standing close to the desk, he's scribbling in his notebook again, something has caught his attention and he had to capture it. He looks up from the writing when Phil calls his name.

Phil is smiling, he stands leaning against the desk, one of his eyebrows raises in a smirk. The warm light from behind the desk reflects in his quiff. Dan blinks a couple of times shaking his head lightly "what?" He let's go of the pen in his grip, now perching his palm on the edge of the table.

"Are you going to order?" he says dragging out 'order', questioning Dan with that same expression. Dan laughs nervously scrabbling to get the notebook and pen into his bag already. 

"Yeah, I could eat your left shoe right now, I'm starving!" Phil laughs and for a moment Dan spots the whites of his teeth and a warm feeling is spreading in his chest, Dan had almost forgotten how good, friendly company can feel.

"Why the left one specifically?" Phil asks, Dan smiles widely so that his dimples pop. "Looks tasty to me" Dan replies. Phil shakes his head laughing.

Maybe Dan's laughing more because he's relieved, relieved that his joke made Phil laugh.

"You, sir, have got a very bad taste in shoes, they're like fifty-two years old" Phil smiles tapping the tip of his shoe against the floor. The man behind the desk sighs and glances at his wristwatch.

"Wow grandpa, I've got great taste in shoes it's more about quality than quantity right? And those shoes look fresh to me" Dan says as he walks over, his arms are crossed eyebrow raised teasingly. Phil's cheeks are dusted with a light pink blush, he laughs awkwardly, scratching his neck.

"Maybe so, but I'd very much like to keep my left shoe" Dan places both of his hands lightly on the desk leaning somewhat over it, looking into the eyes of the man on the other side of the counter. 

The adrenaline kick from talking and how easy it had felt to just converse with Phil, has made him brave. "I'll have the same as Phil," he says pointing at his friend standing just behind him. Phil places a hand on his shoulder a frown evident on his face "but I'm not so sure you'll li-" 

Dan shakes his head "I'm sure I'll do."

-

As they wait on the pizza to be made they get comfortably seated in one of the booths. "I can't believe that it's raining so much, it's like the sky has never seen an happy ending. Always crying, now if I could just get up there and console it I would" Phil whispers through rosy lips, that he's gnawed on.

Phil's looking out on the street they just were on, and he envisions the two of them standing there waving at him, he pictures Dan with a smile accompanying his own as imaginary Dan and Phil look back at him through the window of the pizzeria. 

Maybe, he thinks, what he's just imagined is what the customers that sat inside of this cosy place saw. The made-up versions of them looked happy and most importantly, he himself didn't look lonely.

Phil looks back at Dan who’s looking out of the window, just like Phil himself had done just a couple of minutes ago.

It's stranger to spend time with someone that isn't Louise than he thought it be and the thought is scary. How dependent on her has he become?

Phil looks around the place. Although he's living fairly near this pizza place, he's never thought of going here, he usually doesn't go towards the train station so maybe that's why; 

But it's probably more because of there being a small Indian restaurant the other way from his home, that is much closer and their food is awesome for a lazy introvert like him to just take away.

Dan taps his fingers against the surface of the table impatiently. His fingers are itching, he's used to always touch things, press down keys enabled with letters. Even let them intake his dreams, the haunting clicking sound that follows when his fingers rhythmically press the keys down on the typewriter echoes in his ears.

He is starting to think that being with Phil for a few days won't be so bad. Maybe he needed a break from writing? 

Maybe...

Phil rapidly turns his head awakening Dan from his thoughts, Phil's eyes light up at the sight of their steaming pizzas being placed before them. Just the look of them makes his mouth water. There's a hunger present in Phil's eyes he hasn't seen before, he thinks, for a moment, that his eyes probably resemble the same desire to devour this amazing-smelling meal.

-

Phil drops the cutlery on the greasy cardboard. He's cradling his stomach that looks soft and round. He both looks and sounds satisfied and his eyes look lidded. Dan eats the last piece of the crust, with a content hum he swallows audibly. He still feels energized, in fact, he feels like talking to Phil.

"Phil?" he asks tentatively as he tilts his head aslant. Phil nods leaning his head against his hand, chin digging into his palm. Phil's head seems so heavy already and it's not that late, seeing from a nocturnal idiot's point of view; Dan seriously has begun to realise how often he'd spent the nights at his typewriter than in his bed, sleeping.

"Uh-hm?" Phil hums smiling softly as he’s blinking tiredly at Dan on the other side of the table. Dan can't help but smile at the sight. "You know when I said I write things?" 

Phil chuckles a little so that his resting head almost slips from his palm "yeah" he smiles then, eyes closed. "I wrote a book and I'm going to publish it," he says valiant, he's just going to have to re-write it. It can't be that hard, shouldn't be.

But the minute he utters those words he feels stupid and dumb. Why would Phil even care? But it's kind of nice telling someone about it, even if it's just half of the truth. It's Liberating, like letting go, falling freely, feeling the gut-wrenching tickles when you wait for an answer.

Phil's eyes shoot open wide "you never told me you were going to publish, that is so exciting, congrats" Phil smiles widely and Dan can't help but think that he looks good when he's tired, he's kind of jealous actually. He looks like a rat when he's tired. Plus he's got really unattractive undereye bags from the lack of sleep and no one in the whole world can deceive themselves into thinking they're an attractive feature.

Not to mention the messy curls he has to withstand when his hair even as much as senses humidity in the air. There's no meaning in straightening it anymore, this storm is particularly a death sentence, especially for his hair.

Now when Phil is smiling so much he can't tell him about what happened, not now. It will ruin the mood and Dan's not sure he's brave enough to tell Phil about it yet or if he even wants Phil's pity, what is Phil going to do about it? He can't help Dan. 

The storm has trapped Dan here, brought the two of them together. Surely this must mean something? Dan was never that superstitious to begin with, but something within him almost hopes there's a reason it's Phil of all people he's trapped with.

-

Phil has suggested for them to watch yet another movie and Dan can't believe he's agreed to it. It's probably because Phil looked so happy talking about the movie, hell, he can't even remember what Phil told him it was about - all he remembers is that smile and the feeling that he wanted to be the reason it grew even wider.

And now Dan doesn't have the heart to tell Phil to move his leg away from his lap now that Phil looks so comfortable and honestly he doesn't really care anymore. He's feeling warm and cosy under the blanket. Dan's head slowly glides down the material of the cough until his head is rested on Phil's shoulder. Phil looks up from his phone, smiling, one eyebrow raised as if he's asking fondly "what is it now?"

"I thought you were the one who wanted to see a movie?" Dan mumbles his eyes starting to close on their own accord. 

Phil smiles, lowering his phone "it was actually but I kinda got wrapped up texting with a person that I have a date with tomorrow and I'm asking them when we're going to meet up."

Dan is suddenly wide awake, he clears his throat before asking "a date?" his voice sounds hollow and it surprises him more than Phil who doesn't seem to notice the change in tone in Dan's voice at all.

Of course, Phil has a date, For some dumb reason Dan thought that Phil was as lonely as him, it had seemed so almost and in some way that had calmed Dan down, made him relate better two the scrawny black-haired man with blue eyes. But now he felt almost jealous? Not because he fancies Phil or anything, just because this "date" is going to steal away his newfound friend and Dan is going to be lonely again.

Which, thinking about it, he should be happy about, really, since he's wanted alone time ever since meeting Phil. But strangely enough he realises that he doesn't want that now and he's actually been looking forward to spending some time with Phil; maybe even be able to forget about his book temporarily. He feels he really needs a break or he's going to have a breakdown.

-

Someone is poking his cheek. Dan groans and when he goes to turn away from the horrible pokes his back cracks and he scrunches up his face in pain.

He opens one eye to see Phil standing over him with a cup of coffee "I've already made breakfast so... um if you want some you can join me in the kitchen, yeah?" Dan nods slowly, accepting the warm cup from his friend's hands. "Thanks" he mumbles, voice husky so early in the morning. Phil just laughs "no problem mate."

Dan sits up in the couch, taking a sip before he unsteadily rises and walks after Phil into the kitchen. "Did you sleep badly?" Phil asks him, he probably feels bad for letting Dan take the hard and very uncomfortable couch... again.

"Um yeah" Dan admits. Phil hums in acknowledgement, a frown painted on his pale face, he bites his lip turning it a rosy red colour. Dan's quite fascinated by it and can't make himself stop staring, he blames the early morning entirely for his weird behaviour. Hopefully, the coffee will wake him up clean.

"Maybe you could sleep with me?" Dan spits out the coffee into the mug and Phil hurriedly continues whilst gesticulating wildly with his hands "no, no not like that, my bed is pretty big and you could take one side, it'd save your back from the ineluctable pain, if you were to take the couch again." When Dan still stares at Phil without uttering a word Phil promises in a shrill tone, uncomfortable for newly awakened ears.

"I won't touch you or anything I swear! I just thought I'd offer you something slightly more comfortable." Dan nods, his mess of a hair falls in front of his eyes whilst he takes another sip, before answering "I'd like that, the couch is killing me."

"Anything else you'd like, your favourite food? I thought that we could go shop before the storm, like maybe tomorrow and store some food, you know, so we don't starve." Dan smiles a little, as much he can manage, being newly awake and all.

"Pasta with loads of cheese on top, it's been so long since I've made that myself at home." Phil wrinkles up his nose and Dan laughs a little "what's wrong with some pasta?" Dan smiles.

Phil shakes his head putting down his cup of coffee on the table "not pasta, cheese" Dan furrows his eyebrows "you hate cheese?" he says not managing to conceal the surprise laced in his voice.

"But there's cheese on pizza, you ate cheese yesterday" Phil pouts and lours at Dan "Pizza is not the same though, it's the only exception, in any other situation cheese is utterly gross" Dan shakes his head a fond smile settling on his features "Phil Lester, you're an odd one".

-

The clocks one am when Phil stands before the door, the button up with a bunch of small hearts littered over it is mostly covered by the jacket he's swept on. Dan walks over to him, arms crossed over his chest protectively. It's cold in the apartment and Dan is freezing, he's thinking of stepping into the shower when Phil's out on a date.

They lock eyes and for what feels like an eternity they say nothing. Just two blue eyes watching a pair of brown. Dan relaxes, he should feel uncomfortable meeting Phil's gaze but he doesn't.

Phil's the first to break the eye contact, downcasting his eyes whilst muttering "I should go or I'll be late." Dan nods inept, he parts his lips, he wants to say something but he doesn't know what. It feels like a storm is turning everything inside his stomach wrong. He doesn't recognise the feeling and it worries him. Maybe it's anxiety again, he thinks. Dan breathes in through his open mouth.

Phil nods a little as he turns around, he's holding a brightly coloured umbrella convulsively in his left hand as he pushes the door open. Dan swallows as Phil looks back one more time before the door clicks closed. "Bye Phil" Dan murmurs to the closed door.

-

Phil's eyes meet the dark sky with a smile. Through the sheer plastic material of the umbrella, Phil watches drop after drop fall and course it's ways downwards until finally, it hits the stone cold wet terrain joining the beyond of rainwater.

He has stood outside the restaurant for about ten minutes now, waiting for his date. The frown that had settled down on his features after leaving his home refused to move, and now he has forced a smile to grow in the dark. And contrary to popular belief, finding a source of light in your life is harder than you think. So the forced smile stays on his face as do the frown.

Someone knocks on his shoulder just as he's about to give up and go home. He turns around not actually expecting the cashiers face to meet his. He's smiling at Phil with eyes filled with vigour. 

"There you are, Phil was it? I almost didn't find you. My name's Charlie" he says rapidly, Phil can't help but stare at the Charlie’s mouth as it moves. Never has he seen anyone talk with such despatch.

Charlie shakes Phil's hands firmly and Phil is left a bit shell-shocked as Charlie waves for him to follow him inside. He shakes his head letting a small - but none the less - smile appear, a sprout that might grow till a full on flower, if Phil is lucky.

They walk up to a table and Charlie sits down looking up at Phil expectantly, "so are we gonna order now? What do you like?" he smiles placing both of his hands on the table leaning over it slightly, looking very excited. Phil reflexively leans back a little in his chair, clearing his throat.

"Um... I don't know, I think I need to read the menu first" Charlie laughs at that "yeah, of course, sorry, my fault for being so stupid. I guess I'm just excited to start this date with you and see what it could lead to." Charlie gesticulates wildly, maybe to hide the blush dusting his prominent cheeks. 

Phil smiles "I see, well, I'm excited too" he admits.

When the waiter arrives, they look through their menus, Phil is not surprised to know that Charlie has already picked a dish from the menu. And Phil silently wonders how many times Charlie’s been here already. Phil shakes that thought out of his head, the feeling of not being special has settled in the bottom of his stomach.

He lets his eyes roam the page in search for anything he likes. He smiles a little when he sees the dish "pasta bolognese - with extra cheese on top". He doesn't go for that though, another dish catches his attention - waffles.

About halfway through their meal, Charlie has brought up the fact that his work at the store is just the beginning on his soon to be awesome career. And with that attitude, Phil almost believes him. He really knows what he wants and in a way, Phil's really jealous.

But soon even Charlie runs out of things to tell Phil about himself. That's when the question suddenly lingers in the misty air inside the restaurant.

"So what do you do for a living?" Phil twists uncomfortably in the chair he almost hopes that Charlie notices how uncomfortable he feels about the sudden interrogation but his date doesn't even react.

He just can't say that he's a YouTuber. He's scared that he's going to be judged. For what, he doesn't know, maybe it's an irrational fear but Phil can't help but feel how it's weighing him down every time the particular question comes up.

He's always had a plan B prepared, one that often works for people that don't know him so well. "you could say that I'm a struggling actor" he says shrugging. He hopes Charlie will just move on to another subject without any further questioning. 

Maybe that was too much to ask for as Charlie's eyes light up with the mention of the word 'actor'.

Charlie leans forward in his chair "like a B-actor or..." his eyes light up mischievously "a porn actor?" Phil's eyes widen considerably, mouth falling open in terror "no!" he yelps horrified. People around them give him weird looks and he can feel his cheeks redden.

"Oh" Charlie leans back then, straightening his back, he looks a bit disappointed.

-

When Dan finally finds the vacuum cleaner in a cupboard, he gives it a smile. The thought of getting into the shower was long gone - the minute he walked back into the living room and realised just how messy Phil's place is, so he thought he'd do Phil a favour and clean for him whilst he's away.

So Dan starts in the living room, lifting up knick-knacks and carefully cleaning under them. He stops for a moment to look at some old photos sitting in frames on the surface of one of Phil's cabinets. One with what Dan assumes is Phil's mum and dad. They look kind and Dan can really see the resemblance between child and parents.

Phil look like the actual sun smiling back at the camera, his parents aren't that far off from that affinity either. In some way Dan can't help but be a little jealous, Dan has never had that opportunity to spend so much time with the whole of his family.

So, in one way, Phil and Dan are like the sun and moon. He wishes he was more like the sun, it seems that wherever "he" goes there are specks of leftover happiness to bask in. At least it feels so when Dan is around him.

The next photograph is one with Phil and another guy. Dan wonders who this might be and for a moment he queries if this is someone Phil used to date but something tells him he's wrong.  
It's not just the fact that it'd be weird for Phil to have an old photo with his ex just standing for whomever to see whenever; No it's the fact that they have the exact half smile and the bend of their nose is almost precisely identical. It must be Phil's brother, Phil must have a brother he hasn't told Dan about.

Dan flips over the photo to see if something is written on the backside of the frame. And there, with childlike handwriting, something is indeed written.

"Me and my brother on his birthday 2014" and underneath the text, with a slightly different handwriting something else is added, "you can bet your life it was the most ace birthday ever lil' bro."

Dan can't help but smile at it dumbly before he sets the frame back to where it stood previously. If he and his brother only had this type of relationship maybe everything had been different now.

Weirdly enough, cleaning the living room doesn't take as much time as he thought. He drags the vacuum cleaner towards the cupboard when something catches his attention, the door to Phil's bedroom stands ajar, from where he holds he can see a touch of a colourful wall-to-wall carpet.

The sun is foraging its way through the window spilling it's warm and golden glowing rays over the carpet and making their way to just about where he stands. It feels like an invite, a red carpet he should walk. Phil would probably appreciate if Dan cleaned his room. He kind of owes Phil after all he's done for him.

Dan pushes open the door with one hand, the other dragging the vacuum cleaner behind him. The first thing he sees is the big splotches of different colours this room has to offer, everything is so bright and cheerful; the second thing his brown eyes fix on is the camera standing in front of a big bed.

-

Phil exhales when the door closes behind him. He's so tired, that date really was something. Phil doesn't know what to make of it. He walks into the kitchen to find Dan sat on one of the stools hunched over the notebook he bought when they went into that little odd boutique with the old but cute lady who'd insisted on reading Dan's palm.

Dan had smiled at her and Phil noticed how prominent Dan's dimples look when he smiles and Phil can't help but think that it is adorable. Dan had agreed even though he looked very uncomfortable as the lady studied his hand.

He watched her with brown, kind eyes. There was a warmth in them - Phil hadn't realised until now - that always appeared like a glowing fire when Dan was interested in something.

She'd told them that Dan had endured many adventures but that he'd left something important behind, something that needed him before time had its chance to run out. She was very grave with how important it was as she tapped the glass of the hourglass standing on the desk. Dan seemed to ebb at her words, his shoulder hunching up in defence, eyes carrying a worried tone to them as he bit his rosy lip. His curly hair laid flat and messy.

But she didn't stop there, she told him that there is always a rainbow after the rain, no matter how heavy the weather is.

Seeing Dan sat in his kitchen now makes him wonder if Dan is solving his own problems by himself. If the contact with paper, the constant clinging to words helps Dan relax and heal wounds Phil doesn't even know about, those who are invisible to the eye.

"Missed me?" Phil asks. Dan looks up, but there's no smile meeting Phil's. "How'd the date go?" Dan asks but there's no interest in his voice, and Phil has a feeling Dan's not even trying to mask it.

"Okay, I guess" horribly, the date went horribly. But he can't say that, it be too mean, if he knew Dan better maybe he'd be able to tell him but he doesn't have the heart when the guy seems so down at the moment.

Phil realises that he judges people a lot and he knows that but he can't help it, it something that comes as natural as blinking to him. Most of the time he feels bad for thinking these judgemental thoughts but at least he never say them to anyone.

"Oh, good" Dan mumbles it sounds like he doesn't really listen but Phil knows he does, the slow movement of pen against paper has stopped but Dan's eyes are still stubbornly glued to the block before him. His eyebrows lower and it looks like he grits his teeth.

"Would you like going and shopping together before the big storm arrives and all the supermarkets close?" Dan nods and Phil thinks he can just about make out the glimpse of a smile.

-

It's dark out when they arrive. The sky has enveloped them in a hue of blue and there's no trace of any stars, they're all hidden from view by the fat drops of rain still relentlessly smattering down from the heavens above. Dan wonders if it soon is going to feel like the days overlap each other in this never-ending hair ruining weather.

He shakes his head in vain, the curly, dripping locks of his hair falling back in front of his dark eyes. Phil nods for them to go inside. Dan pushes open the door to the grocery store holding up the door so Phil can walk inside. Phil is folding the small umbrella that scarcely covered the both of them, judging by the state of his own hair. They grab a grocery basket each and move inwards. 

Dan has been feeling off ever since yesterday and it seems like there isn't only a storm on the abroad but one within him as well and it won't calm down. It's getting worse the more he thinks about it.

First Phil goes on a date and leaves Dan all alone, which should be fine in all honesty. But something still feels wrong and he doesn't know why. He doesn't understand why he's so upset over the fact that Phil went on a date and left him alone, really it's stupid.

Then later Dan finds that camera, he doesn't know what to make of it. He's confused and it feels like Phil has lied to him though no words have been uttered.

Dan doesn't want to know what Phil does with the camera, his mind went to the worst possible place in an instant. Breath hitching in his throat and heart beating against his ribcage like he'd violated Phil's privacy. He only wanted to help Phil clean.

He wants to tell himself that the anger towards Phil as well as the shame he himself feel is irrational but... but why else would he have a camera facing his bed.

It's not only that Dan is worried about Phil did invite Dan to his bed promising it would be platonic bedsharing what is Dan going to make of it? Is he going to be able to trust that Phil is telling the truth when he hasn't even bothered to mention why he has a camera angled towards his bed?

Dan has sent his own mind into a spiral of dark thoughts, he can't help but feel like he's almost drowning. Torn by the two sides of either trusting Phil or not.

Surely no one as adorable as Phil would work with something like that. Or does it even matter how adorable he is? Do looks decipher something like that?

Should he ask Phil? But if he does, then Phil will know he's been inside of his room. A voice inside of his head argues that if Phil worked with doing porn would it really matter? Would that suddenly make him unreliable? No…

But Dan would've liked if Phil told him first - but at the same time, Dan doesn't have anything to do with that... or does he? Considering that he's going to sleep in that bed.

Dan sighs, looking down at their shopping list. Phil looks over at him, and for a moment Dan realises how long Phil's eyelashes really are even though you for the most of the time can't decipher that from afar because they're a light brown. His blue eyes watch Dan silently.

Strangely enough, he realises he still likes Phil even though this dirty secret has drifted to the surface. He still wants Phil to like him. He wants to prove that he can be a good friend. Someone who doesn't judge Phil for... for that. He's going to sleep in that bed even though strange things might've happened there.

"You tired?" he asks and Dan has to smile a little, he nods but there's a lump in his throat thinking about going to bed... to bed with Phil. Nothing is going to happen, why does he think differently of Phil because of that single piece of technology?

"Yeah..." he drawls. They walk over the polished floors, the rows of products standing on their shelves float by in their field of view and comes across as unimportant in their tired minds. They stop when they find a product they've written down on the list.

It's weirdly empty in the store, though it's quite late so that might be why. Phil hums a little to the song playing in the background and sways his hips in a barely noticeable way.

"Do you ever just stop caring about people judging you?" Phil whispers and challenges Dan with blue eyes filled with something new Dan's never seen. 

Dan smiles sadly, turning his back towards Phil. "I don't think so, Phil" Phil hums at that and it's silent for a while. Dan has time to think that Phil is taking his time contemplating Dan's answer. 

But when Phil places a hand on his shoulder, and Dan turns around seeing Phil with his other hand held out in the air like an invite, Dan raises an eyebrow.

"Don't you think it's time to change that - dance with me?" Dan wants to laugh it off and roll his eyes, saying something in the style of "why would I ever do that, dancing with you- that's ridiculous, Phil, you're ridiculous!

But... but he just can't. Phil has the kindest smile painted upon his pink lips. His eyes are so blue they resemble the skies on a summer day when the smallest breeze is a relief for your burnt skin. 

Dan hums then taking Phil's hand in his "show me then, how you stop caring so much, huh" Dan's voice is soft when he answers.

Phil places a hand around dan's back pulling him in closer and if Dan hadn't truly realised how hard it is standing so close to the sun without risking getting burnt, now he did. Dan looks up through the curly fringe, meeting Phil's eyes. Phil squeezes Dan's warm hand in his as they slowly move around on the floor of the grocery store. The music in the background is clearer now that they aren't so absorbed in their discussion.

It's awkward at first as they stumble unsure of themselves. Phil doesn't say anything when Dan clumsily steps on his toe. But after a while, everything seems to click as they move smoothly around. The two grocery baskets are pushed against a shelf a bit farther away left and forgotten.

"I think that the older you get, the easier it gets to stop caring about what people think about you. See for example, if I think dancing with you is important to let you realise for yourself how people grow and change, should I just ignore that opportunity; just because someone might discover us dancing on some old and probably dirty floor of a grocery store? Or should I reach out and touch?" Phil whispers and Dan doesn't know what to say, his head is spinning, the smell of something fruity is filling his nostrils.

"You see, Dan, even if we are lost and confused, it doesn't mean we should refrain ourselves from daring to reaching out to catch opportunities." Dan sighs, if Phil really is right maybe he should let himself.

Dan rests his head in the crock of Phil's neck and pulls him closer and they dance, just letting the music fill their ears and pulsate through their bodies. "I think you might be right" Dan whispers against Phil's neck.

-

When they reach the cash register, Phil freezes, he grabs onto Dan's arm tightly, and Dan glances over at him. An irritated look fills Dan's features before he sees the discomfort so clearly visible on Phil's face, and his own features soften.

"What is it?" he mutters softly. Phil shakes his head "bad memories..." he says his gaze distant. A frown grows on Dan's features. "Do... do you want a hug?" Dan asks. Phil's expression doesn't change, but he nods slowly.

Dan encloses him, like a blanket. Phil is swallowed by a scent that must just be purely Dan. He breathes in letting it swallow him and comfort. It works, it works amazingly well. Dan hugs him firmer and suddenly Phil knows exactly why that date felt off, why he can let himself so easily be engulfed in Dan's arms. He's got a crush on Dan, it all makes sense now.

-

They're laying on the sofa again, Phil has his head rested on the material of Dan's hoodie covering his chest. Dan hasn't asked Phil anything more about the incident at the store. Phil just couldn't talk to that cashier again, the minute he saw Charlie sitting there behind the cash register he could feel everything inside of him go cold and frosty like on a midwinter’s day.

He'd asked Dan to pay and folded up his woollen cap so that it covered the majority of his face. And Dan had done as he'd asked without questioning Phil's weird behaviour. Man, Dan must think Phil's behaviour was ridiculous.

Dan absentmindedly plays with Phil's hair. It's cosy here, with Phil being so close. He seemed scared back then in the grocery store, and Dan didn't have the heart to tell him no when Phil rested his head against his chest at home. To be honest, being this close to Phil is helping him too, It's lessening the distress gnawing at him.

He closes his eyes letting his head rest against the couch. "Dan?" Phil mumbles into the material of Dan's shirt. Dan yawns "yeah?".

Phil snuggles closer arms winding around Dan's abdomen "you know when you told me you were going to publish your book" Dan freezes and he swallows roughly.

"Yeah?" He lets his hands fall from Phil's hair now just resting on either side of him. "I see you write in your notebook all the time, wouldn't it be easier if you just, I don't know, borrow my computer? I don't mind."

Dan can feel a warmth blossoming in his stomach followed by Phil's words. "Phil, you're the absolute best, do you know that?" Phil smiles contented then laughs softly into the warmth of Dan's chest. "Yeah I'm amazing aren't I?"

So what if only Phil gets the pun, it makes Dan laugh anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Suddenly two arms wrap around his stomach from behind and a tired Phil rests his head in the crook of Dan's neck. 'You're writing' he smiles with a husky voice. His hands brush Dan's stomach under the material of the shirt and Dan sighs softly. 'yeah, I am actually' he laughs with warmth."

At least Dan can say that he's tried. He can't revitalize the story that met a horrid end in conflict with the rain. He can still remember the most significant fragments. That isn't the problem, no, it's as if the moor between his fingers and his creativity has ceased to exist. His fingers won't let him tap out the story word by word; instead, they're laying dead like wrecks on the bottom of the sea whilst his mind is up in the skies trying to collect the clouds of significance.

He can’t rewrite the story he’s lost.

Dan looks away from Phil's computer, he's sitting in Phil's room by the desktop. When Dan was allowed in Phil's room to sleep yesterday there was no camera pointed to the bed. What had he expected, that Phil would just leave it there for him to see? 

He had obviously put it away somewhere, and Dan wasn't going to go looking after it. 

He felt guilty for knowing about Phil apparent little secret. Sleeping in the same bed had been pretty awkward at first, they talked in the night until Dan's eyes adjusted themselves and he could make out the skyline of Phil's face. 

The more time passed the more comfortable he got. They ended up talking for a long time. Dan can't remember when he fell asleep.

-

After trying to write both Dan and Phil sit down in front of Phil's tv, the news is just about to start and they're waiting nervously.

Phil looks over at Dan, his eyes are focused on the screen before them, lips parted. Last night when Dan slept in his bed and they talked and talked Phil almost felt like something fell into place, like an unknown missing puzzle piece finding its home. He somehow didn't know he needed this type of company, hadn't really missed it, he'd been content just isolating himself when Louise wasn't poking her head into the picture.

The minute the jingle of the news subsides through the apartment, he tears himself away from his own mind. 

"Here's hoping we're at least not going to be stuck in here for more than five days" Dan whispers through his fingers held in front of his mouth. His eyebrows are furrowed in worry, A glint of something Phil can't decipher swirls in his eyes, it might be hope, it might even be anger. Whatever it is, Dan doesn't express it through the features on his face.

But Phil has a feeling it is hope, he somehow feels like he knows that. That he somehow can grasp a sliver of Dan's way of behaving and thinking, in his unsure hands. 

He doesn't know Dan fully, but he wishes he will get to know him, he really does. Because Phil likes the soft voice Dan shifts to when he's concerned, he likes Dan's various laughs: The obnoxious ones that make the corners of Phil's own lips turn upwards and the warm and hearty one which makes a tender feeling fill the whole of Phil's cold chest and awakens his curious heart.

"Don't say so, you'll jinx it!" Phil says jokingly, his voice having that characteristic shrill tone, however there's no doubt a trail of real anxiety laced in his soft voice. He shakes his head, a frown now present on his features, his mouth agape.

Dan doesn't answer as the lady on the tv explains where the storm is headed and how long it's going to stay. They both listen closely when she tells them that keeping electrical devices off until Monday is advised. Dan sighs looking over at Phil and Phil wonders if he does it to prod Phil into feeling sorry for him. He knows Dan wants to go home and Phil falls for the expression anyway, reaching his arms around Dan to hug him. 

Dan stiffen in surprise then relaxing "Phil" he says calmly "do you own any books, I might know what we can do when we're not on the internet" Phil lifts his head from Dan's shoulder 

"What? Slowly die a boring and ‘very painful’ death on the floor because life has lost all its meaning without the internet?" Phil says monotonously, raising one eyebrow. 

Dan laughs "No, Phil you've gotten that wrong, that's my line" he shakes his head. Phil pokes his tongue out in response whilst he observes Dan as he delivers his next line.

"I know, that's why I said it." Dan's smile shrinks a little into a slight smirk and he raises his eyebrow mirroring the expression on Phil's face.

"to provoke me?" Dan suggests accusingly in a playful tone, jabbing a finger into Phil's chest. Phil leans back further into the sofa crease beside Dan, unable to erase the wide grin on his face.

"maybe..." Phil shrugs innocently but he can't conceal the deceiving smile on his face.

-

"So this is my book collection..." Phil blushes as he throws out an arm in a sweeping motion towards the small box of books.

"I know it isn't much-" Phil starts but gets interrupted by a loud hearty laugh coming from dan as he leans against Phil, his hand planted on Phil's shoulder to study himself. His hand is warm against Phil's body it forges something hot to brew in Phil's stomach. The warmth reverberates through his body the longer Dan's hand stays comfortably rested.

"Phil is that a moving box? How long have these books stood here?" Phil laughs a bit awkwardly, which only manages to make Dan laugh even harder.

"Um, well I don't really read that much, I prefer to watch movies" Phil starts and Dan tilts his head to the side, raising an unimpressed eyebrow. 

"Is that so? Then we'll have to change that" Dan says smiling towards Phil. Phil shrugs sheepishly.

"Phil you never answered my question by the way" Phil furrows his eyebrows, ransacking his mind for the lost information. His eyes darting around as he tries to remember. Dan smiles a little, touching his own chin to acknowledge Phil of his mouth that is hanging open dumbly. Phil closes it quickly blushing.

"Oh, um what was the question again?" He says finally, looking defeated. Dan shakes his head a little disappointed by now, he was thinking that Phil was joking at first but now it becomes clear he wasn't.

"Phil, did you even listen?" Dan asks and Phil can't help but watch how the material of his own clothes - that Dan has borrowed - stretch over Dan's soft tummy. How the a-little-too-small black jeans hug Dan's bum- Phil blinks his eyes a soft blush tinting his cheeks. No, he's not allowed to think like this.

"I did!" Phil's eyes light up when he tries to insist, hands going up in front of himself, defence like.

"So then you tell me what the question was" Dan smiles knowingly.

"I... I can't" Phil admits, eyes on Dan. 

"Ha, I knew it you were to busy admiring this handsome face!" Dan smiles cheekily pointing to his own face. His glasses have skimmed their way down to the tip of his nose and he just looks... adorable. Jesus, Phil might be in love, his heart is beating so fast.

When Phil doesn't answer Dan blinks until a light seems to go off. "Oh," he says. His gaze far off as he retracts his hand from Phil's shoulder. They stand there for a while, the silence only being filled by the rain. Phil looks over sadly at Dan, he blinks trying to forbear the watery substance - that threatens to spill down his cheeks - to leave his eyes.

"two years, I think," Phil says then finally seeming to remember what Dan had asked him before. Dan laughs distantly but soon the brief laughter dies down silenced by the heavy pattering on the roof.

"That's" he clears his throat "that's a long time" Dan finishes, crouching down beside the box. His warm hands graze the spines of the books until he fishes one up. he folds it gently with one hand as he brushes away a layer of dust.

"Yeah" Phil mumbles. The warmth in his stomach now replaced with a clawing worry. He must've fucked up everything. But Dan hasn't said anything about Phil thinking he's handsome. Maybe he's just shocked or he doesn't really care and Phil misinterpreted his reaction. But Phil fears he's figured out Phil's true emotions. Phil's had it really hard refraining them from seeping through his contained expressions. 

"At least it seems we got the same taste in books" Dan smiles half-heartedly looking up at Phil through a lock of brown hair. Phil smiles back carefully, folding his arms in front of his chest. "That's..." Phil starts, trying to search for a word through the haze in his mind. "That's... good?" He says but it ends up sounding more like a question and Phil's heart sinks in his chest.

Dan bites his lip standing up with the book in his hands, eyes fixed on the cover. "Yeah" he mumbles in response to Phil. Then Dan cradles the book to his chest as he takes a few steps towards the lounge "you should choose a book to read too" he says motioning with his eyes towards the box. Phil nods slowly.

-

They sit in the lounge together at first, occupying an end each. But as time went and Phil's eyes seemed to droop more and more, it seemed the both of them had met at the middle. Although no words had been uttered Phil feels a little bit more at ease if he neglects the worry simmering in the bottom of his stomach. Phil so desperately wants it to disappear.

"Phil," Dan says slamming his book shut in his lap "you're not interested in that book, and before you can argue against me, I'll tell you you've been on the same page for about twenty minutes" Phil sighs deflating, his shoulders sagging "oh" he breathes as if he didn't already know that.

Is Dan still angry at him? Should he fear what comes out next from Dan’s pretty... rosy, pink lips? Phil mentally curses himself, blowing out a bit of air through his lips in frustration.

Dan reaches out a hand placing it on Phil's wrist. He seems to think hard before speaking up "why don't I tell you a story instead, like a new one you haven't read before. You know so I'll get to use my author knowledge" he jokes or tries, the smile he gives doesn't reach his eyes.

Phil closes his eyes leaning his head against the cushion "please do" he says and at the same time, he does he can feel a sharp pain in his chest. He can't describe it, it just hurts so much. Dan can't see his face as he hides it against the material of the couch.

But he seems to sense something and moves closer, putting both of their books aside. Then reaches his arm around Phil body pulling him in so that Phil has his head against Dan's chest. With a soft voice, Dan starts telling Phil a made up story.

"There once was a girl whose armour was so shiny that she must've spent many hours maintaining it. The girl worked hard every day as a guard keeping the kingdom's princess safe from any hazards. But it seemed the longer the girl worked the harder she found it keeping the princess inside. You see, the princess wanted something more, she wanted to see the world outside the dusty old castle and the girl was terrified that the princess would be hurt and that she would have to take the blame..."

Soon Dan could hear the breath of light snores tickling him through the material of the striped shirt. He smiled sadly, hugging Phil a little bit closer as he closed his own eyes.

-

After having a slow day they ended up cooking fajitas together in the low-lit kitchen. Phil had hummed a familiar tune as Dan stayed quiet, he didn't talk as much as usual, seemingly stuck in his own thoughts as he stood guiding the pan back and forth slowly with a habit.

And now they both laid in Phil's bed, Dan asleep and Phil up, plagued by his worrisome thoughts. It’s raining outside the window but the sky's getting brighter. Phil couldn't help but to turn around and look at Dan. His lips were slightly parted, eyelashes kissing his cheeks and Phil's heart nearly skipped a beat when Dan stirred slightly, a slight frown on his features appear as a lock of hair falls in front of his face. 

Phil bites his lip reaching out with a shaky hand to brush the curl away with warm fingers, he manages to brush it behind Dan's ear. He hadn't realised how close he ended up. Just when he's about to pull back Dan's eyes flutter open he blinks a couple times and the frown deepens on his face. "Phil?" he whispers in a raspy voice.

Phil lays still looking Dan in the face. There’s no point in closing his eyes and pretend he’s sleeping. Dans eyes glow white in the bedroom. 

“Phil?” He utters again, stirring a little under the comforter as he moves his hand so that it peaks up from the soft material of the duvet.

At last Phil figures he has to at least say something. “Yeah” he breathes so quietly he’s convinced Dan hasn’t heard.

“I’m sorry Phil” Dan begins mumbling it quietly like it’s hard for him to say, like his throat is closing up. The frown on Dan’s face grows deeper.

And Phil’s first thought, screaming back at him is “I don’t care, be however sorry you want to be, I just can’t take it anymore! I’ve had enough of people. I knew it all along, isolating myself was a good thing.” But of course he doesn’t say that, he’s Phil. The kind guy who’d never ever be angry. 

The person who’s always got his own emotions so well under control. But guess what? Under the so polished outside he is wavering, he’s pleading for attention and for love. To be accepted, even telling them about his choice of career would ease the pressure he feels.

But in the end he’s too scared to accept their attention and as soon as someone welcomes him in he backs away step by step until he can no longer see their happy faces. God, Phil has been lying to everyone, to his fans, to his family, to Louise. Hell he’s technically even lying to Dan by not telling him the truth. 

He can’t say that though, he’s not brave enough. He needs more time.

“For what?” Phil says with a valiant smile. Eyes looking sad he’s sure as Dan downcast his eyes.

Dan shakes his head biting his lip. They’re silent for a long time until Dan’s eyes flickers up to Phil, he doesn’t say anything. Slowly a smile mirroring Phil’s take place on Dan’s features. 

Phil can feel a pang in his chest thinking how cute Dan looks in this moment, the slight wrinkle in between his eyebrows and the prominent dimples that’ve appeared now that he’s biting his lip again, seemingly thinking.

 

Phil’s frozen in place as Dan reaches out a hand and places it on his cheek. Gosh, he must be dreaming or experiencing one of his worst nightmares - he can’t tell which yet. "Phil... I'm an ass, I should've said something. But I just wasn't sure what exactly I was feeling. But I think I know now, I just hope you don't hate me and I've read everything wrong"

Phil doesn’t say anything, he looks back at Dan. He can’t decide if the silence is comfortable or the opposite. He looks into Dan’s eyes trying to find something, he doesn’t know what.

Dan’s biting his lip rougher the wrinkle in between his eyebrows even more evident. Phil thinks he can discern how Dan’s hand - that is softly cupping his cheek - is shaking faintly. 

Phil finds something in those eyes, he recognises the glow as hope. A swirling warmth infiltrating Dan’s iris. And Phil just can’t get enough of it.

At first Phil doesn’t follow when Dan pulls him closer, but soon his mind catches up when two warm lips touch his. Phil's suddenly very much awake. His whole stomach suddenly filled with a thousand butterflies and his chest feels like it can finally expand and fill with air. He feels like he's been cured.

Dan parts their lips leaning his forehead against Phil's. "God I thought I'd fucked up everything, I saw how sad you were but I just couldn't say something before, my mind wasn’t ready for his storm. But I think I know what I want now at least". Phil swallows brushing his hand against Dan's cheek. 

"It's okay" Phil mumbles, Dan shakes his head. 

"No, it's not Phil, I'm so sorry, like I said, I behaved like an ass". Dan kisses Phil again, his soft warm lips moving against Phil's. Phil's eyes flutter shut, he feels warm throughout his whole body like the sun suddenly has decided to grant them with its presence but Phil knows better, it's Dan who brings out the sun from within him.

They kiss with more vigour as the rain steadier gets heavier. Dan reaches his arms around Phil's neck. Phil's hands brush over the muscles on the skin of Dan's warm back, his hands have somehow winded up under Dan's shirt. Dan’s pretty in the dark, with his curly hair and long dark eyelashes, he’s got warm eyes that search Phil’s body like it’s treasure, to kiss him is just a dream come true for Phil’s hazy mind.

"Phil?" Dan asks suddenly against Phil's lips. Phil blows out a bit of warm air trying to cool the fire burning within him. He opens his eyes barely looking at Dan through his eyelashes "yeah?" he smiles tiredly but contently.

"What really happened at that date you went to? Gosh, it's embarrassing but I was so jealous when you went with that cashier. I just hadn't realised that I was jealous because I really liked you" Dan laughs under his breath, he looks up at Phil.

Phil furrows his brow jutting out his bottom lip as he thinks, then he laughs "Oh god it was the worst date I've ever been to."

Smugly, Dan bites his lips, tilting his head with an eyebrow raised. "Bet I could take you on a much hotter date."

"Most probably, but everything you do is hot anyways so there's no way you'd be able to beat that," Phil says and rolls his eyes whilst laughing.

Dan swipes his tongue over his teeth confidently winking at Phil making Phil shut up in an instant.

"Okay, you've convinced me" Phil says. Dan breaks character then and laughs shyly, swatting at Phil with the back of his hand, playfully "shush."

Phil smiles broadly then and sweeps Dan up in his arms hugging him closely.

-

Dan is sitting on the edge of Phil's bed. It's early in the morning and the sky is changing drastically between light and dark as heavy clouds cover the sun. To watch the storm rage on from inside is somehow so calming.

His pale legs hang over the side as he's only wearing boxers and the striped slightly oversized shirt. The rain is still endlessly smattering and Dan begins to wonder for how long after the storm he'll hear the echoes of the sound haunting him. 

Dan is writing again in the small notebook he bought. He couldn't be bothered to go get Phil's computer. He smiles a little as he remembers yesterday - or today maybe, he doesn't know exactly what time it was that he kissed Phil, but he's convinced he can still distinguish the taste of Phil's lips on his. 

And he kind of likes that, it's kind of different, as Dan has never been with a boy before. It's new and confusing and Dan can't still the beating of his heart. He might be in love with Phil. The weirdo who is addicted to movies and leaves socks on the TV table. But then he reminds himself, the movements of the pen slows against the paper. Phil is still not telling him about his secret, the camera that he angles towards his bed. Dan swallows and worry intake is the stomach.

Suddenly two arms wrap around his stomach from behind and a tired Phil rests his head in the crook of Dan's neck. "You're writing" he smiles with a husky voice. His hands brush Dan's stomach under the material of the shirt and Dan sighs softly. "yeah, I am actually" he laughs with warmth.

-

It's not just because they've been confined in this apartment for what feels like a lifetime but when he woke up today he instantly felt something was wrong with him mentally, maybe that's how it started.

Dan loves spending time with Phil, he really does, but the worry that Phil is really someone else keeps itself reminder in the back of his mind. It's stupid, but Dan needs to know what Phil does with that camera. The worry is taking up all his headspace. So it's not weird that a single wrong thing said by Phil a day like this can spark a fire.

Somehow Dan can stop himself from uttering the one thing he shouldn't have. "Why didn't you at least tell me that you work with doing porn!" 

Suddenly everything just freezes.

Phil's mouth falls agape, he drops the phone in his hand and it makes a loud plunking sound. Dan takes a step forward "I saw that camera in your room, I can't- I don't understand why you couldn't just tell me about it!?"

Phil's so often bright face darkens. He looks livid, eyes sparking with something Dan's never seen him possess. "What did you do in my room before I even invited you in there?" he says firmly, voice cold like the hefty storm outside. 

"Does it even matter? I saw what you've tried to hide from me" Dan gesticulates wildly, voice raised. Phil looks shocked for a moment until he shifts to glowering at Dan.

"Why would I need to tell you something like that when you have nothing to do with why I have a camera there, it's just personal and none of your business. If I want to tell you I do, if I feel like I trust you enough" Phil says.

"I just need to know so I can trust you, but I see how it is, you don't trust me, do you?" Dan says, it ends up sounding more desperate than he intends. He takes a step forward.

Phil crosses his arms sighing. "Dan, I'd tell you if I could, but I'm just not ready" Dan shakes his head biting his lips moving around in the room, his pose mirroring Phil's as he hugs himself firmer.

"Phil..." he shakes his head "I have to go... I can't stay. I need to… to sort myself out. I- everything has just happened too fast. I thought I could... but I need more time" Dan says raising his elbows towards the ceiling, his hands nestling themselves in his unruly locks. He turns to Phil so that he can see how serious he is right now. 

All anger just runs off Phil’s face and left is a worried look "But Dan, you can't go outside now, wait-" Phil says and Dan can hear how grave he is. Dan shakes his head already walking towards the hallway. Phil follows after him with haste "wait! Dan, no, it's dangerous to go outside!" 

Dan shakes off the warm hand that has landed on his shoulder. "I need to go." Phil stops as Dan steps out of the door, jacket halfway on "at least text me so I know that you're safe," Phil says unhappily, as if he's clinging onto his last hope that Dan might not leave after all. 

Dan doesn't answer, closing the door behind himself. There in the hall, he sinks down against the wall, searching after his phone in the pocket where his notebook already is nestled. When his now cold fingers find it he presses maps and searches for hotels nearby. To Dan's relief, there's one just one block away. If Dan hurries he'll be able to get there safely, he's sure.

-

Dan walks over to the bed in the hotel room, it's a short one and he can already tell that it's way too small for the whole of him to fit. His feet will probably dangle off the edge. 

The minute he burst through the entrance door of the hotel he was soaking wet, leaving a trail of water after him as he walked up to the desk. He’d made it through the weather safely.

Now in bed after paying for the room, Dan opens his notebook and ends up on a new page but before he starts scribbling he notices that someone else has written something down in that same childlike writing style he recognises. Dan smiles sadly as he read what Phil has written.

"Hi Dan, I thought I'd leave a note because this notebook needs it (I promise, I talked to it myself to make sure and it agreed.) I just needed to tell you I guess, because I'm too shy to say it face to face but you're the most gorgeous person I've seen. Every time your hand grazes mine it feels like I'm sky-high, it's hard to explain how a person that has just stumbled into my life can mean so much to me, but you do nonetheless. Love, Phil"

Dan swallows, a drop of water taints the scribbled out message and then another one until Dan no longer can make out what the text in front of him says. He cradles his hand over his mouth to suppress the sob threatening to escape, but it's in vain. Why does he have to be so fucking stupid, why does he have to ruin everything? Why couldn't he have just let Phil explain and respect his privacy? 

But really he knows that he needs time away from Phil to understand and he also needs to sort himself out. Because like the lady in that shop said when he bought the notebook, he has left something important behind and he doesn't think he can close his eyes for it much longer. 

He needs to sort himself out.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh it's finished! The last part is up, I don't know what to write... just enjoy!

He's stupid, really. The car's windows are fogged up and he should get out. A pressure is laying over his chest as his hand lingers on the handle of the door. He can't believe he's finally here again, he hasn't seen her in so long. It's almost as if he's forgotten how she looks like... almost - It scares him just thinking about it.

He pulls open the door and takes an uncertain step out. The summer air is warm and humid and he wipes the sweat that've gathered above his upper lip. He peers at the entrance to the hospital under the shield of his hand, the sun laying heavy on his frame.

The moment he's stepped inside and wiped his nose at the check-in he moves to the room he's been told she's at. They've moved her, he remembers walking in a different direction the first time he was here, the only time really.

The numbers on the door in front of him is seemingly stretching and wavering in his vision and for a moment he can't remember how to breathe. He leans against the wall beside the door, closing his eyes and exhaling heavily. 

Suddenly the door opens and someone steps out closing the door ever so gently behind them, their thumb remaining on the handle as they look up and meet his eyes. The same brown eyes, hair that has grown long, curling wild and untamed in the sudden heat wave that has struck London and is present even in here - the air conditioning must've broken, he thinks. 

The man's frown is matching his own at first then shifting into a forced smile, is he even trying? His brother's eyes flit hastily to the door then back to Dan.

"Oh... you're here" he doesn't even mask his disappointment and the evident spleen taking place on his features. His eyes grow darker and he clutches the door handle firmly. It's as if he doesn't want to let it go, trying to block Dan from getting into the room.

"Yeah" Dan answers, and swallows thickly. His heart had sunken in his chest the moment his brother gave him that look of... what can he describe it as? Disappointment filtered with disgust maybe. This is supposed to be his brother, he's supposed to understand why Dan did the thing he did.

"She's in there," he says then, his voice losing some of its might, but he still manages to keep an edge to it. He lets go of the handle, letting it swing back into place after being pulled down, then he pushes past Dan, knocking shoulders. 

Dan looks after him over his own shoulder. There's a pride to that stiff and upright walk, He's trying to hide it. Just like he's trying to hide the bags under his eyes behind cups of coffee. He looks ragged, like some of him has been abraded in the process- during Dan's departure and return.

God, he's the older brother, what was he thinking leaving his younger brother to take care of their sick mother? He's should've been the one to step in and stayed by her side. Instead, he just left... what was he thinking?

He shakes his head and grips the handle. The sun filters through the curtains and blinds him momentarily. The outline of his mother against the blinding day-star makes him choke on his own saliva. 

"Adrian?" a thin, fragile voice speaks. His mother's voice is so familiar and comforting it hurts, it's like coming home again from being abroad. Like imagining him and her again on an ordinary Sunday before she got sick. Where she'd bring them tea and ruffle his hair while laughing at his antics when he annoyed swatted at her hand ("Mum! You'll ruin my hair!").

But it's not like that anymore. Her voice held warmth speaking his brother's name, sure. But there was a tiredness, a hint of relinquishing laced so deeply he has to close his eyes momentarily and take a steadying breath before he steps further into the room.

"No mum, it's me."

-

"But child, I've got the coffee cup here in my hand already" Kath smiles warmly. 

Phil blinks at his mum before giving her a shy smile "Oh, well that's good then" he says and puts back one of the cups he was gripping tightly. Gathering enough courage to finally ask his parents to come to visit had taken weeks - him pacing back and forth over the rug sprawled over the living room floor. 

He clicks his tongue starting the coffee machine with a habit.

Now that his parents are here he feels relieved and terrified, constantly flickering between two moods ever since they'd arrived about one hour ago. When he opened the door, his mom instantly rushed forward and gathered him up in her arms. Something about that gesture filled him with the feeling of being loved on a whole other plane than he could've ever hoped for. His father stood behind his mother slightly to the right. He gave Phil an encouraging smile from over the shoulder of his mother. 

Firstly, he gave them a house tour, his heart thudding happily in his chest as he with light feet glided over the wooden floor.

As proud and overprotective parents should, they annotated about what they liked and not and Phil had to point out that he's the one living here and not them. Still, Phil felt himself smile wider than he'd been doing for a while at their little comments here and there.

He hadn't told them yet, the reason he asked them to come. Anxiety brews at the bottom of his stomach like the coffee soon ready to be filling up the cups. He's gonna tell them that he's got a job. One a little bit different from what they've had in mind. 

God, this is absolutely terrifying, like looking over an edge into the abyss and wondering if there's light on the other side of the problem. 

Phil swallows, the coffee machines low rumbling has stopped, his fingers tapping against the cup persistently continuing as though to prevent the inevitable.

"Son, how's it going with work, we haven't heard you talk about it since you visited." His father speaks up, a rumbling sound killing all off Phil's thoughts of wriggling out of this dilemma, instantaneously.

"Yeah... Actually, mom, dad, that was kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I quit." He says clenching his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut for the inevitable sounds of distress and arguing about how Phil keeping the job would've been so much better for his economy. 

But the silence he receives is much worse.

"Oh," they both say in chorus.

-

Her surprise saddens him slightly, but the expression on her face is a mixture of so many feelings they mush together into one. Her teary eyes look up at him and her bottom lip quivers. "come here," she says, and it's enough for him to be brave enough to take the step forward and hug her, let her engulf him like he's the one hurting. 

He feels small again like the young Dan has intaken his body, permitting to let himself sought his mums love and forgiveness in another way than he knows older Dan wouldn’t let himself do. 

He fawns into himself pathetically as the sobs he's hemmed escape and wrack his cowering frame. Why can't he just let himself reveal his true feelings? Why can't he just...? And then a light goes off in his mind he blinks into the material of his mum's jumper. He just let himself do that involuntarily and it feels so... freeing. Like he's walked all this time and now his wings aren't broken anymore. He's going to have to tell them how he feels, not leaving any information out this time. It's painful letting go of the words, the tears, like his pride is going to be damaged somehow. But it's even more painful to keep them in.

"Mum," he whispers, pitiful, his voice sounding whiny and broken. "I'm so sorry," he retches. She hums thoughtfully, her warm eyes watching him as she tilts her head to the side, almost a bit reserved. 

He shakes his head "I... I'm sorry I left. Left you when you needed me the most... I- I just, oh god, my brother, he's been here all along hasn't he. Sat by your side through nights and days." She doesn't say anything to confirm it but he knows from the various texts he's received. He hasn't opened his brother's messages, not even answering the calls lately. 

She buries her nose in the locks of his hair. "What made you come back?" she wonders, her voice calm, devoid of any anger. Not like his brother he notes. She always seems to know exactly the right questions to ask, but she was always like that, hitting the nail on the head every time. That's why it was so hard hiding something from her. She knew all along, didn't she? Why Dan had left.

"Phil," he says, the sound he makes after it is a mix of a wrecked sob and a happy laugh. 

-

"I know that you're disappointed, you don't need to pretend to be happy for my sake" Phil swallows, his eyes shifting from his dad to his mum. It's hard when their first reactions where shock, ("YouTube? What kind of job is that? How can you provide for you and your future family if you don't have a stable job?")

He's tired of them assuming he wants a family at such a young age, that he wants one at all. He wants to be able to be young and when they're here he feels tied down like a balloon aching for the big, blue skies up above. He hadn't realised that before they came and visited.

"I know you don't like it, but I do, I love doing this as my job, so can't you just love it for me, or at least accept it? You're my parents, you're supposed to love and support me!" He says desperately a tone of aggravation slipping into his speech.

They look at each other the way they've always done when he and Martyn had done something bad and they had to decide in uniform if they should tell the brothers off.

"Phil, darling, we do care and support you, that's why we want you to be safe economically," his mother says, a hope in her voice present, thinking she's saying the right thing.

"Maybe I don't want that, maybe I want to live my life without you interfering in that way, I- I just need your support, not you stepping in and infiltrating in everything I do."

"Son," his father starts looking at him with what Phil hopes is new eyes. He sighs deeply, like this takes a lot of effort to say. "We're sorry for that... er, that wasn't... we can open our eyes, right, sweetie?" He looks over at his wife. "I want you to be happy Phil... I guess I just wanted to say that."

Phil doesn't know what to say at first, he's touched by his father opening up, he's normally not the most talkative of the two and it means a lot to Phil to hear it coming from him first.

His mum bows down her head in defeat "Phil, if it makes you happy... I guess it's only right if we support it as well as we can."

"Thank you so much," he smiles, his eyes a little watery. He goes to hug the both of them tightly and his mum’s surprise is evident on her face when she realises how much he happier he looks now.

-

"Dan, baby, you've nothing to thank me for, I'm your mother. I love you even though you ran, I saw your struggle and I'm trying to understand it the best I can," she says, petting his hair.

Dan nods, he looks up then and his mum lets her hand slowly shift down to his cheek and she looks at him with a sort of love only a mother can possess.

"I was so devastated when you grew sick, I just couldn't stay. I got engulfed in my own made-up fantasy tales, where everything was brighter and the cold outside was nowhere to be seen. I- I isolated myself and just wrote, thinking if I finished that book I could return from my escape world with something to you, a gift or my form of veil." He laughs sadly, eyes red-rimmed by now. His mother listens to his words closely, a wrinkle between her eyebrows evident in her concentration.

"I should've been able to give you a book but then everything changed, I got stuck in that storm dragging over London and a kind stranger offered his home for me to live in for a while. He... Phil, he changed everything. He brought me back to this world but I wanted nothing more than to be back in my fantasy world at first. He made me realise I had to go to you before... before I could deal with everything else life threw at me."

Dan's mom takes both his hands in hers, caressing them with her thumbs. "Dan I'm so proud of you for taking that step and," she smiles a little "I'd really like to meet this Phil now."

-

"So this is the real me, I guess," Phil says to the camera before shutting it off. All those videos he filmed never uploading, where he was more truthful than he'd ever even been to his friends and family; Finally, he feels like he can film one and upload it after talking to his parents. It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He's free, the feeling has him feeling power-mad like he shouldn't possess so much courage to do this.

It's unreal, his heart is beating in his chest as he transfers the footage to his laptop sitting on the made bed. He lays down onto the duvet, all the colour around him are popping in the sunlight and its rays searching their way down over his face. He imagines himself being a cat, sunbathing in the heat of the summer sun. The peculiar thought amuses him and lures out a soft little laugh from under his breath.

He feels good, better than he has in a long while. It's like he wasn't completely done with figuring out himself before this. There had been pieces missing that only he could find himself. Little fragments hiding in nooks and crannies or bathing in the sun out in the open. Some parts of him easier to find than others. 

But this self-discovery has been brought by everything that had happened so fast during that autumn last year. It should feel like a distant memory but Phil can still distinctly see everything unfold before his eyes. He never got that message from Dan telling him that he was safe wherever he ended up that stormy day their fight took place.

Phil should loathe Dan but he doesn't, he was angry for a long while after the incident. Didn't even call Louise back after Dan left, he hasn't done it yet but he's planning to.

For awhile he even hated rain, and he relapsed into not going outside, he got worse at remembering to go out for his own sake. He filmed videos that had no place in his heart. His eyes had lost their glimmer, and his heart had been taken from him by a man whose brown eyes he hadn't seen since.

Dating hadn't even been in his mind. He'd focused all his energy at trying to collect himself and find what was missing. And now he can finally say he's happy with himself, maybe just because he's finally true to himself.

He opens the editing programme and starts working on the new video, his followers are going to be surprised.

Hopefully, they'll love hearing him opening up about himself a whole lot more than he's dared to do before.

Hopefully, because Phil loves what he's doing now and he hopes that shows.

-

Dan perches on the old armchair. Across the table his brother sits with a newspaper covering most of his face, hiding him from the outside world, Dan thinks. Adrian hasn't devoted Dan a single gaze - he's not even acknowledging Dan's existence.

"Um," Dan speaks up feeling like what he's going to say will fall on deaf ears. "Adrian, I'm sorry" His brother doesn't react, though Dan notes, he's frozen in his position, fingers looking stiff clutching the paper in his hand.

"-And I know that doesn't make up for it. God if I could redo everything maybe this wouldn't have happened. I need you to know that I didn't intend on leaving you alone with mom. To just let go of all responsibility so you had to throw yourself after them to manage with your life." Dan swallows, scratching with his nail on the opposite thumbs nail out of both nervousness and sheepishness. 

"I'm just trying to say that though I had no right to just leave you I think I needed that time and I know I'm sounding egocentric right now but I'm afraid if I'd stayed I wouldn't have coped as well and you'd have to take care of two adults instead of just one. But that's not an excuse, I know, I'm just trying to justify my shitty behaviour." He says honestly looking up from his hands to the newspaper covering his brothers face. Dan wonders how his expression looks like, what he thinks about what Dan's just said.

"It was kinda shitty" his brother chokes out from behind the newspaper. Dan can hear that he's trying to sound like he's laughing but Dan knows him too well to not recognise how thick his voice is and how it sounds like his throat is closing up, tears prickling in his eyes. 

Dan stands up and walks over to his brother, he crouches down and envelops him in a warm and big bear hug. His brother seems surprised at first, like he's about to push him off and reject him. But then his mask cracks, tears welling up in his eyes. 

"I needed you, Dan, so so much," he says trying to bite back the tears from falling from his eyes. Dan reaches up a hand, his soft fingers brushing away a supposed confined teardrop before they finally starts falling for real in steady streams.

"It's going to be fine. I'm here now, and I'm not intending on leaving soon. Just- and you need to hear this, you can't stay here in the hospital all of your wake time and, according to your messages, night as well. His brother breathes in shakily, his arms coming up to hug Dan back.

"I'm sorry for all my awful messages that I sent, I really didn't mean what I wrote I just- I was so frustrated and I really needed and missed you." Adrian mumbles.

Dan doesn't know what to say to that, he just knows that Phil was right, people do grow.

-

"Phil," she says. He can't decipher if it's surprise or disappointment. Her voice sounds a little flat, like she's been worried but now there's no effort left in her to even make contact with him.

"Louise," he breaths back, his voice a tad higher than usual, he sounds nervous and regretful. He shouldn't be and he's tried to convince himself to stop feeling like that but it hasn't helped yet. He knows that it was shitty leaving her without an answer for so long, but somewhere along the line his revolt got out of hand. He focused everything on himself and he needed that.

What she says next he hadn't anticipated coming from her lips at all. "Phil, I'm sorry," she says sounding defeated as she exhales heavily. 

"I was too pushy, wasn't I? It's only now that I've realised how I was holding on too tight to you. Like I was trying to save you from drowning. I guess I just realised that I had to let you learn how to swim on your own without my help. That's why I didn't contact you first, I just hoped you'd do that someday. Phil, sweetie, I've missed my best friend so much you can't even fathom it!" she mumbles the last sentence softly like she was talking right next to his ear.

"I've missed you too" he whispers back, holding onto his phone with both hands convulsively.

The sound of post tumbling through his mail-drop echoes in his empty flat. He looks up, phone still pressed firmly to his ear. "Wait, Louise, I just got mail, I'm just gonna check what it is".

Phil hears her answering something but he doesn't really hear what, his focus is on the oblong letter sitting on his colourful doormat. He wanders up to it, watching his different coloured socks move with his feet. He picks up the letter. On it something handwritten, the letters look a bit wonky but he can read it anyway, it says "to my dear Phil". For a moment Phil wonders if his mom has sent him something, like an extremely late birthday present, but he doesn't recognise the address.

"I just received a letter," he says to Louise she can hear that he's smiling and with a soft voice she answers, "that's good hun, from your parents?" she wonders. 

Phil doesn't answer her directly, opening the letter carefully. Out comes a book with a very familiar name attached to it. He almost drops the book in surprise whisper shouting to Louise on the other side "Dan wrote a book!"

-

Dan is sitting in front of his typewriter, he has his little notebook opened on the alongside it. He peers over at it before his fingers finally reunite with the familiar feeling of home. They press down one after one as if they know what he's going to write before he, himself does. He closes his eyes for a moment and swears he can smell the far off scent of rain smattering against concrete and a fruity cologne appurtenant to a certain not-so-much stranger anymore.

"He can taste it in the air. The dampness is ruining his hair. Turning straight strands into coils... he doesn't know it yet but this is going to be an out-of-the-ordinary day, days like them you don't get so often, those who turn your world upside down and introduce you to handsome strangers who can find appraisal even for lonely men - who're lost in themselves - and have a predisposition to leave socks everywhere they go..."

-

There's a knock on Phil's door. It's Martyn of course, he's said that he's coming to visit any day this week. So it must be Martyn. 

Phil opens the door without hesitation. There's a man meeting his eyes, he's handsome. Locks of brown hair falls in front of his unsure eyes. When he sees Phil he gives him a gentle crooked smile. "Can I come inside?" he asks with a somehow soothing voice.

Phil's hand falls off the handle in shock and he's stood there a second before he stumbles to the side to let Dan in.

-

Dan sits by the kitchen window, he looks out through it as Phil puts down the cup of hot chocolate in front of him. Dan looks up with a smile, his eyes crinkling.

All Phil knows is there's no anger in the air, no nervousness, just a silent comfort. Like they're over what's happened, it's not important right now at this moment, not needed to be brought up.

Just as Phil sits down reaching out a hand to take Dan's - who's laying on the table palm facing the heavens - in his, it starts raining. A fat drop collides with the glass and makes a dull sound. They both look out as the weather grows heavier. Then they meet each other's eyes knowingly with a smile.


End file.
